Mother and daughter training team Sharon and Rosie King are offering in-house training sessions to organisations who seek to build knowledge and employ strategies to protect, retain and include staff and clients who are on the autism spectrum.
This single day training session is designed to help companies to support, encourage and benefit from neurodivergent employees. The understanding and ethos that underpins this course will help to build a safe, empathetic and healthy environment for all people in your workplace.
Parents should never be your friends it’s set as an unhealthy president. They are your caregivers not your companions but they can however be your guides and signposts.
The Cycle of Emotional Incest, Negative Attachment Patterns & Impact On Development
What can and dues happen is a cycle of co-dependency, attachment disorders, emotional instability, lack of self identity (common in borderlines), depression and anxiety.
Emotional incest(covert incest)is where a caregiver emotionally “dumps” on a child through.
– Inappropriate behaviour – Emotional Outbursts (emotional dysregulation) – Unresolved Issues (trauma, attachment, identity) – Expectation that the child must “fix” emotional problems and make them happy – Fears the child gaining autonomy (friendship, relationships, self identity) – Co-dependency(monopolising and manipulation)
This can lead to the child having challenges (leading and through adolescent and adulthood) in and around
– Self identity – Perceptions of Intimacy – Sexual Intercourse – Friendships & Relationships – Boundaries & Attachment – Love vs. “Fixing” – Heightened nervous system responses
Conclusion
Be brave enough to break the cycle, find who you are, be assertive, take control, live your connected life and allow yourself to grow authenticity.
I have been saying this for years, the holistic psychologist puts it across with such clarity. People view this as being “hard”, “selfish” when it isn’t.
Unhealthy Attachment
– Parents aren’t your friends they are your caregivers.
– Children aren’t responsible for your caregivers/parents unresolved issues.
– Lack of autonomy creates poor self-esteem and attachment issues around friendships & relationships.
– False expectations of what people can and can’t offer.
Here’s what this could look like in a more balanced presentation.
Healthy Attachment
– Friendships & relationships are built on genuine trust (not fear, control or emotional manipulation).
– Friendship and relationships are about respecting autonomy and developmental journeys.
– True connection is about seeing failure and/or mistakes as normal, taking ownership and moving forward.
– Boundaries are understood & welcomed.
– Being vulnerable without fear of vilification, judgement, and firm honesty.
– By being able to allow yourself and others to be their authentic self.
Lessons I have learnt through the years are plundered with and deep with seemingly no end.
Narrowing them down is quite easy as you garner what is the most prominent and impactful.
Being Thankful & Objective
Being thankful starts with my earliest treads and saunter movements through my village at a young age, the trees, the smells, the wildlife and rolling fields. In infancy I was meaning blind, object blind, context blind, pain dead and body disconnected – I experienced the world through my body.
Thanking Their Actions
I was bullied in my neighbourhood in early infancy, I was functionally non-verbal and echolalic, thanking them is necessary they taught me the foundations of misunderstanding, fear and intolerance.
Understanding People’s Motivations
They are also human beings and anger is not a feeling that shrouds me. They have hopefully reflected, moved on and made pastures of meaningful living. I can only wish them well in these ventures.
I didn’t expect them to understand nor would they, because befriending me out of obligation rather than true connection would have been futile.
Projection Of Inner Challenges?
I was kicked, punched, spat at, pushed, and had verbal insults thrown my way as well as being forcefully locked in a makeshift cage for over an hour. Think of the unhappy and saddened minds that would do this? I cannot help reflecting on how much they potentially needed kindly support themselves.
But why be thankful for such events? Because these were my tempered experiences they built.
Foundations and I had to slowly make sense of wishful, seeking alternative realities weren’t an option.
My resilience was unconsciously built through movement, language, and the system of sensing in which the merged frequencies of people, objects, and my external environment.
Conclusion
This included the twinkling of water, the carpet fabric, blades of grass, barks of trees, the smearing of shaving foam and bubble bath liquid on the bathroom tiles, the fragmented stranger in the mirror for over ten years and the observation of fragmented phonic laden beings.
I wouldn’t change these events, nor do I resent through the illusions of solace, I lived a human life and that is fine.
When I was diagnosed in 2010, my parents wisely said to me that I am still “Paul” (whatever that entailed at that point in time).
Not everything about someone is “Autistic” and I am no exception to this rule in the wider scheme of things.
I respectfully do not see autism as identity because that is something that has consciously created, made and I feel we must be more lateral about what autism means for people beyond our own experiences.
Personality types that are within me that could present more AUT-istic are the fact that I am solitary, serious and idiosyncratic however people internally are not straight lines as I am mercurial and self-sacrificing.
Extend this to educational systems, employment services hospitals and beyond what are people trying to say about autism? If we share objectivity then maybe fertile ground can be sown for other experiences too.
As an infant I was functionally non-verbal, I was meaning deaf, blind, context blind, body disconnected, pain dead and lived primarily in the system of sensing. What I valued was that my parents saw me as a person first regardless and that has stayed with me well into adulthood.
I value my personhood it keeps me grounded, objective and sane in many ways. I am made up of many things autism is a part of the mix not the centre of because no one person in the world is one word.
Note this is from a personal perspective, professional and observational perspectives – photos supplied with kind permission of Sharon King.
Reference Points
When we think of the word “autism” what do we mean? What are we saying? Is it a person’s own observational perspective? Could it be what one has read in a book? Seen on the television? Or could it be around a family member or diagnosis that you have yourself?
What Lenses Are We Looking Through? Our Own? Or Others?
When I think of the words “autism” from objective stand point which filters in to my professional philosophy it must ultimately be person centred, there should be no room from stereotypes, misinformation, rhetoric, identity politics that ultimately cloud, divide and at times silence voices and realities. Inclusion should mean in principle a need to look at things other than your own lenses.
Patchwork Quilts & Fruit Salads
When I saw the both Daisy and Lenny King many years ago I was ultimately seeing people in there own right and consulted with the family and the different information processing challenges that they had.
Sensory perceptual challenges (face, object and meaning blindness)
Language processing challenges (aphasia/verbal agnosia)
Body disconnection (body agnosias, finger agnosias)
Communication challenges (oral apraxia)
The Precious Nature Of Seeing Personhoods
What I have enjoyed and still do as family friend is their company they both live in the system of sensing (a pre-conscious world in which they have mergence), they are fiercely and emotively introspective, solitary and self owning, they offer friendship and connectivity beyond interpretive frameworks but are still equally meaningful, they are idiosyncratic and individualistic and their intelligence is clear to those whom are open minded enough to presume competence and understand that autism doesn’t have “one look”.
Being thankful is a term used for many different contexts, it has different meanings, associations and be it personal or professional and it can come from an emotive place deep within someone’s being and soul to take a humble acknowledgment of the foundations laid bare that I had no control of (no person does) but giving it some thought and the time to do so has made be reflect on my early years.
Not Knowing But Still Doing
I was born in 1986 and my parents had now knowledge of the word “autism” for it would be many years before the word would be uses, so one must get by the frameworks and current situation in other words my parents not knowing did it hinder? Or through this did it urge them to be me more holistic, creative, and more practical in their approach towards me as a human being? I think it did.
Different Systems & Trajectories
If I would had been diagnosed it would have been of “classic” autism this wasn’t just about milestones speech, language and motor delay were noted – I was also hemiplegic, had visual perceptual disorders, face, object and meaning blindness and well as being meaning deaf and having a language processing disorder some of this partly due to being brain damaged at birth.
I lived (and still due to some degree) in the system of sensing, was tactile kinaesthetic, had pattern, theme and feel language – but my parents saw me as their child, their son and valued member of the family this speaks values not only of one’s character and the wordless observations at the time but the patience and nurture that goes with being a caregiver.
Many adjectives and observations were made the idea that I was deaf and blind, having an attachment disorder these were all perceptions (rightly or wrongly) put upon not only me but my family. The way in which my parents dealt was in a a very holistic and fluid way the expectations they had for me was simple but would later a sturdy foundation to build from “happy”.
Autonomy, Growth & Boundaries
Now that is one emotion of many they cared not for existential things, materials or hierarchy or work or education because that was something I would do on my terms, they offered the values of autonomy, the healthiness of failure as a normal part of life and the sanctity of self-exploration.
As I have grown, I have valued their company, their need for boundaries, direction and care which has built up a mutual respect but not tipping into areas of blurriness of misinformation, but all our cards are held to each other we know where we stand.
Conclusion
The greatest gift that many are denied from their parents and caregivers (at many times through no fault of their own – just repetition of generational patterns) is the ability to grow into one’s own connected self this is something I hold dear and treasure.
Anna Kennedy’s guest this week on Women’s Radio Station was Paul Isaacs. ‘All things Autism” will be aired at 1pm and 1am every day this week. Please see www.womensradiostation.com
Paul shared: My name is Paul Isaacs and I have been an autism advocate for over 10 years, in that time I have seen many changes – some positive and accommodating others separatist and polarising.
Birth & Early Development
I was born in May 1986 and I was a month premature.
By my Mother’s observations I was quite and happy baby, however after the first six months onwards she began to notice differences in my development.
The initial worry was that I was deaf and/or blind this was round 1987, my motor coordination was delayed, I had oral apraxia for a time and didn’t gain functional speech between the ages 7/8 years old in 1994. Due to being meaning deaf and meaning blind.
Mainstream Education& Employment
I went through mainstream education from the 1989 to 2002 despite having obvious challenges.
The social and environmental factors were acute if not initially passive by people in their presentation, comments, body language and judgement.
It was subversive from the adults within my village and more pronounced and opaque towards me from 1991 onwards at age of five, this then transferred into my educational experiences and larger part of my employment history.
What I Reflected Upon
What I have learned from these experiences is lack of knowledge creates judgement, bigotry and separation, but what causes this?
The Mechanics of Bigotry?
I think it is due to one’s environment, personality factors (although not entirelyindicative), core beliefs (what is considered“normal”, “right”, “wrong”) and what could be extension of someone’s ideal of morality.
Now what else I would say about this is false belief systems have to be procured and recycled.
It needs to be fed from generation to generation. This means that if these ideals aren’t challenged they cannot build fertile grounds of change.
Be Kind & Understand Why
This on a personal level this has brought me peace, balance and objectivity now I am not procuring bigotry or saying it is right, quite the opposite.
Sadly psycho-social and environmental underpinnings of ignorance have to be understood in order to give an opening for growth and internal change.
So in many ways the people whom projected their venom on to me. Did they have –
Information processing challenges?
Learning difficulties?
Their own developmental challenges?
Mental health conditions?
Challenges around attachment?
Personality disorders?
I thank these people for at the very least giving me a very clear framework of how not to treat other people.
Polly Samuel’s Fruit Salad Analogy
In the interview I talk about Donna William’s’ fruit salad analogy and how it has helped me grow not only in a professional capacity but personal one as well.
Over the years of being speaker, trainer and consultant I have used the foundation of her analogy and shared to masses so that people can be empowered (parents, carers, guardians teachers, mental health professionals and people on the spectrum) to get to the underpinnings of what is going on.
Could it be exposure anxiety? Could it be visual perceptual disorders? Could it be dyspraxia?
I am balanced that I don’t hold (and never will) all the answers and that in comes objectivity I do not speak for “all” on the spectrum that is impossible task.
I am but one person however what I can do is point out the multifaceted nature of “autistic fruit salads” and open up people’s perceptions.
In the end it isn’t about me, my ego, my status or my person it becomes about something greater other human beings.
Autism & Militancy
I am have noted the militancy within the autism community for many years, I am not affiliated with any groups nor do I procure to mantra of “us and we” which suggests that all people on the spectrum think and act the same.
I do not procure to using the word “neurotypical” as a slur with bigoted and separatist undertones.
How can one fight bigotry if you are willing to “other” people? Also I choose not to use that word because in my opinion there is no such thing because there are “non-autistic” fruit salads too.
Thinking About Human Beings
All people go through an AUT-istic stage of development.
People with autism can have non-autistic momentsand experiences and people without autism can have autistic moments and experiences.
Lets be kind enough to presume competence, intelligence and in understanding the persons autism you have do not have to define their entire being by it because what else would be left? We have enough man-made divisions as it is.
People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions and feel that others are more quipped. They may feel devastated by loss and separation, and they may even suffer abuse to stay in a relationship. They may belittle themselves and their abilities and frequently refer to themselves as stupid. Other Signs and symptoms, as cataloged by the DSM-5:
A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.
Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life.
Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. (Note: Does not include realistic fears of retribution.)
Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy).
Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.
Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself.
Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.
Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself.
Perspective Based On Life Events?
This can happen because of very complex psycho-social situations and perspectives and should not be met with judgement but a sense of understanding and perspective taking.
Unconscious Projection & Attachment – Sowing The Seeds Of Codependency
The parent may fear rejection from other parents, peers and families as well a their own friends and family members.
The parent may chronically fear to the point of creating a cycle of “learned helplessness” in which the child lives through the parent’s own sense of need for protection.
This means the child may have a lower sense of emotional resilience, independence and achievements because things are “fixed” through “saving from threat, uncomfortable situations that may provoke challenge or emotional unrest “.
The parent may see their child as a “friend” as opposed to a son and daughter blurring boundaries/roles and further entrenching the loop of co-dependency.
This can impact on child’s relationship with themselves and other’s – core beliefs may suggest a need for a “replacement caregiver” to “look after my needs” in new roles, schools, placements etc.
Conclusion
An open minded approach would be needed in which one must understand the parents motivations and reasonings.
Upicking and offering strategies for tackling the challenges and re-learning.
Paul Isaacs' Blog 