Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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Autism Bucks – What is Autism? Workshop

What is Autism? – Autism Bucks & Paul Isaacs

This workshop is an an introduction and overview of autism using Donna William’s “fruit salad” analogy as the basis. I shall be adding links to expanding on some of the aspects which I spoke about.

Autism “Fruit Salad” Expanded

Autism and Personality Types

Autism and Personality Types? Why Aren’t They Looked Into?

Autism, Personality & Identity

Ptypes website

Autism and Visual Perception

Autism, Visual Agnosias And Making Connections

Agnosia, Sensory Perception & Autism

Autism and Exposure Anxiety

Exposure Anxiety & Autism

A Diagnostic Criteria For Exposure Anxiety?

Further Links

What is Autism?

Differences Between Aspergers & Autism “Fruit Salads?”

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Self-Awareness & Balance – How Invisible Foundations Impact On Self

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Failure are friends, mistakes are mountains climbed, errors are conversations of change

I have learnt the more grounded you are the journey to this frame of mindscapes becomes clearer and more opaque. Take ownership of yourself, your life, your autonomy.

Before people tell you who you are, think of who you are and assume you are, make sure you have a healthy foundation of self-awareness.

It helped me over the years deal and manage other people’s projection. A lot of people who project have low self confidence, self-esteem for a multitude of differing reasons, personality disorders, anxiety, mood, attachment and/or dissociative disorders.

Poor parental and environmental underpinnings can then cause a fracture sense of core beliefs which then in turn cause a dissonance between actual (perceived) and real self, not many know who they are and project what they think they should be. The  gnarled backbone of unhappiness.

So in many ways I feel empathy for people whom are angry at the world and at its perceived and very real misgivings.

However boundaries have to be out in place listen not always to the words but the patterns in which the words form. I have learnt that distance and cutting off is a very needed and that is fine.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Rapists, Molesters & Sexual Abusers

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Manipulation Of Facts & Events

Some people whom commit sexual abuse on other people which includes rape, sadly may project innocence to the point in which they believe their own story and present it to the world.

Molestation and touching without consent is also not only a breach of trust, it’s a selfish, egotistical and narcissistic, it’s putting a person’s needs before another.

“Normalisation” Of Events 

The fallout for the victim could well be forced “normalisation” of the event, through false apologies, gaslighting and manipulation of the facts.

An overall disregard for the emotional impact by the predator will no doubt have an impact on the victim.

Mental Health Conditions Related to Sexual Abuse

Dissociation, PTSD, detachment from sexual organs and an unhealthy distortions in identity, sexuality, gender, intercourse and masturbation will have lingering and serious consequences.

So of course a predators nature should be accounted for, however the catch 22 will be if they are willing to admit to themselves what they have done.

Boundaries Are Needed

I have a personal peeve with people who disrespect other people’s bodies, a body should be touched only when their is a connected agreement between both parties. If there isn’t one must stop, if it continues then that is breaking boundaries, trust and seeing the person as a lust is not true connection.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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The Currency Of Being An Individual?

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Mental Health & Lockdown

I suppose times are hard at these moments and one needs time to reflect upon the differing aspects of life, love and true connection.

Admiration, inspiration is not love or connection it is looking at someone from a far, human beings have learnt to live (through the western world) to project how they expect or are told to be feeling, thinking and acting and not connecting with how they are truly are from the inside.

Education & Learning

The education system is broken and needs to change goes beyond logistics,ethics timetables and class structure it is how children are taught, respected and listened to.

That has to be held to account. I have always seen children as “little people” meaning they are of equal valour and should not be patronised but seen on a level that embraces and acknowledges them as human beings.

When one is a teenager you are expected to be an “adult” which is a subjective phrase to you to use because biologically and chronologically a person isn’t anyway, emotions are not explored in a way which is not attuned to the individual.

A person at the very least in a structured educational environment should be given the opportunity to have a healthy relationship with them, to understand, process them and to explore them without fear of judgement or the vices of division.

Practically of life is one thing but love for a fellow human being is not. Why? Humans are not cookie cutter pre-molded mind-scapes or sausage laden meat blobs of sameness.

In an egalitarian framework we in practice could acknowledge all people’s realities, inner worlds and perceptions of equal and balanced valour with everyone else.

Mental Health & The Culture Of “Fame”

Is that why our mental health system is clogged full of people feeling unfurnished? Unsettled? and inferior? Is it to do with the trans-generational and false concept of emotions that is being passed down on to the next? Is societies currency of fame, money and the material and external as basis of “success” damaging and warping young mindsets into a journey not of self discovery but same discovery. This is worthy of reflecting upon not in a overly logical or intellectual sense but an internal one.

Connected Reasons For Actions & Choices

How many people are there in the world that do things only to oblige? All the time? That do things upon themselves because they have to keep up with the Jones? Like it has has been pre- written that this time and thus this moment they must be thinking, feeling, acting and doing like pre-programmed machine people to make friends on this level, have sexual intercourse on this level, marry on this level and have children on this level.

Now its not these life choices that I am bringing into to question, its the level of connectness with the ACT of doing these things on an emotional level that I am questioning. Never do things because you are shoe-horned under false pretences.

You do not got to a party as someone else for everyone would love and adorn under the falsehood of projecting, knowing full well that if you went as a real human being you would shunned at the doorstep.

Self Love Isn’t Selfishness

Unhappiness is sometimes a person who’s good character has been polarised, a person who has been made to feel expendable and exchangeable and this all comes down to what a person feels connection is. True connection is having a level of self-love and self-care but not at the expense of another persons reality.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Conspiracy Theorists, Mental Illness & Fear Mongering

Image result for illuminati all seeing eye

Trauma, Projection & Confirmation Bias

A heartfelt and honest account of someone who turned to conspiracy theories during a traumatic time in her life.I have a lot of respect for this person opening up about the road that lead her to this and the rationale that got her out of it.

Things do not always happen for a reason, things just happen with not logic, build-up or frequency. She has come to the same conclusion albeit through very trying and emotionally difficult circumstances.

“Today, when I look at social media, sure, I see a few people sharing Covid-19 conspiracy theories, but what I see more of is people creating feelings of control and peace in more functional ways: sewing masks, helping neighbors get food, scheduling Zoom happy hours, gardening, and expressing gratitude for health care workers. These actions signal a healthier approach to chaos and trauma — not one anchored in either anger or fear but rooted in presence and gratitude, and echoing a profound tolerance for ambiguity.”

I was a conspiracy theorist, too

Fantasy Projection, Information Induced-Psychosis & Narcissistic Supply  

Do not base the world’s problems on fantasy, Cabals, Paedophilia, Satanism, Illuminati, New World Order are all bullshit bingo and rhetorics. It is human beings which are corrupt because we have opened up avenues to do so.

Human Psychopathy Is The Problem 

Psychopaths are more more likely to operate in self interest rather than for other people. This is the problem with conspiracy theories is they divert attention with warped misinformation. People need to be held account and it’s the politicians and even partly the science and medical advisers who need to watch their tongues when speaking to the public

Stop down playing death rates and contradicting the validity of death rates in other countries, it you that compare them. Make apologises for gross ethical negligence on a national scale. This has happened for one simple reason greed, money over life, profit over people. That is when the system of ego is allowed to run wild. When a psychopath gets put in places of power and influence then they become dangerous.

So what can be done about this? Changing the system, changing the infrastructure of education, healthcare, politics and validation of the empathy and social binding.We need kindly and empathic people in places of power and responsibility not the people we have currently. I am so pleased I do not understand the complex workings of politics it saves me from the bullshit bingo supplied on a daily basis.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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The Problem With David Icke, Conspiracy Theorists & The Perception of COVID-19

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Collective Anxiety & Conspiracy Theorists 

In times of great unrest do not believe the mass neurosis of conspiracy theorists that is being projected by David Icke and people who are following his “new age awakenings”

They are pointing fingers into smoke and mirrors, producing further fear and illogical reasoning for worldly matters. I believe this could have a massive negative impact to people with pre-existing mental health conditions. We are dealing with a serious virus and I feel this is a dangerous distraction to the seriousness of the situation.

Corruption Doesn’t Mean Conspiracy 

What we do know is governments are corrupt simply because they can be, we live a top down society because money sadly is more meaningful than life.

There is no grand “New World Order” just human beings wallowing in ethos of greed.

Conclusion and Rationality 

Remember these people are using this current uncertain situation as ballast to project their “theories” as “truth”. The truth is corruption grows when people go unchallenged.

Hope is in being rational.

There is none of these things

  • No Illuminati Rule
  • No Satanic Rule
  • No Freemanson Rule
  • No New World Order
  • No Reptilian Hybrids

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Identity & “Actual Self”

 

Care nothing about how you think you WANT to appear to others and more on how you really ARE to others.

This will then in turn mean you have depthful and loving interactions that are more meaningful and laced with openness of the heart and substance of the soul.💓

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Autism, Unpicking Trauma, Dissociation & Getting A Sense Of Actual Self

Note This from a personal perspective

Language Processing Disorder & Dissociation

It is normal for children to dissociate from their environments to up the to ages of 5 years, old and what I found interesting is that people with a higher level of language processing disorder may be more prone to going in and out of dissociative states. I was subjected to unintentional trauma through language and being spoken to directly this was secondary to exposure anxiety.

This meant there were pockets of both derealisation which is to separate from the environment around YOU and derealisation in which you separate from SELF.

This happened before I gained functional speech which again would on some developmental level have an impact my association with speech (echolalia was more fluid in phonics) and trying to speak on a “interpretative level” was stilted and laboured.

Dissociative Disorder Nos & Creating “Characters “

A dissociate disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) is a disorder that includes a dissociative symptom (i.e., a disruption in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception of the environment) that does not meet the criteria for any specific dissociative disorder. “Not otherwise specified” disorders are those that don’t fit into any existing diagnostic categories and are generally rare.

By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.

Belinda- The Strong Assertive Persona

This female persona came about and was “born” through the judgement and ignorance of others where I lived, although my verbal skills weren’t very good and people where blaming my parents for my behaviour on their behaviour as parents, and the school was very concerned about me.

When my skills persisted and progressed the first word weren’t be me, but her she was directive, to the point and would fight for me she was on my side, in world where nobody was on my side nor my parents. I often refer to Belinda as the Guardian Persona or The Keeper of the Gates“.

She is strong and assertive, she gets things done, she like problems resolved and also likes to help others in need, some of these traits are from the “core self”, but the person she is based on is my Mum hence the picture to your left. (she is wearing a tweed jacket which is multi-coloured she looks strong and confident).

Peter- The Passive Introverted Persona

This male persona was based very much on the passivity of both my Grandfather and Father both whom have had issues with dealing and managing issues in a similar ways. It was at this time at CAMHS, this alter was evading and would not be able to accept help with issues and would presume, respond and act like everything was OK.

This alter is shy and retreating doesn’t open up to people easily (as opposed to the confidence and drive “Belinda”), this would cause problems with understanding on both sides during my time at CAMHS in late childhood, they didn’t recognise the Autism nor were they recognising that as coping mechanism for the situations that I was dissociating.

The picture on the left is of my Grandfather in late childhood (sepia toned picture, my Gramp with a worried grin on his face), he is about 10 years old. Many of the personality traits of “Peter” come from him and how he dealt with problems.

Mr.G – The “Child/Elfin” Persona

“Mr G” is a child/elfin persona which was created very early through observations and just looking at my surroundings during the time between early and late childhood.

“Mr G” became very prominent as a coping mechanism for the bullying in the workplace during my first job at the age of 16. He has many traits which are to do with being free and expressive, he likes to copy in an echolalic and echopraxic fashion and enjoys “silly” humour and have fun. He is an expression of many things. The other two personas do have very strong characteristics but perhaps “Mr.G’s” sense of being and why is the most poignant.

Personality Types Across The Characters

As you can see by all three descriptions all three “characters” have a function in terms of personalty types, traits, and functions. The female character fits the idiosyncratic personality type, the male character fits the serious and self sacrificing personality type, the child character fits the mercurial personality type.

ADDICTION TO TRAUMA

Some traumatized people remain preoccupied with the trauma at the expense of other life experiences137,141 and continue to re-create it in some form for themselves or for others. War veterans may enlist as mercenaries,128 victims of incest may become prostitutes,47,120,125 and victims of childhood physical abuse seemingly provoke subsequent abuse in foster families53 or become self-mutilators143a Still others identify with the aggressor and do to others what was done to them.21,39 Clinically, these people are observed to have a vague sense of apprehension, emptiness, boredom, and anxiety when not involved in activities reminiscent of the trauma. There is no evidence to support Freud’s idea that repetition eventually leads to mastery and resolution. In fact, reliving the trauma repeatedly in psychotherapy may serve to re-enforce the preoccupation and fixation.

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

Sexual Abuse , Night Terrors & Trauma

An isolated incident of sexual abuse happened to me when I was teenager, this went and was buried deep in my unconscious mind until I developed nightmares in 2013.

Prior to this I was repeating the act on my body for during my late teens with no connection to why. I used to cry in overwhelm as my body and mind (conscious and unconscious) were in disconnect other information processing challenges such as a lack of internal mentalising, visual perceptual disorders, alexithymia and body agnosias aided in this problem with making this important connection.

I was referred to mental health services and dismissed these “nightmares” as anything “real” this meant that closure had to be done on my own terms. I decided to go to the place in which it happened, stood there for some time head bowed in reflection then I walked away and slowly felt a sense of validation and closure.

I have not doubt that this incident has had an impact on the way I view my identity and sexuality, because in many ways it has and to come to terms with that is very difficult but is was a necessary effect on my part to come to a point of complete closure.

Conclusion

The positive news is that I feel more “connected” these days it has taken me well over ten years, since I was in my early twenties to understand and be introspective to myself and gain a greater understanding of not just how I work but most importantly why I work the way I do (imperfections and all). I would not change a thing as life is teacher and I took the time to learn from it.

“Remember be the person you ARE, not the person you were TOLD to BE.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Autism, Mentalising, Alexithymia & Introspection

Note – This is from a personal perspective

Language Processing, Alexithymia, Visual Perception and Mentalising

As a child I was unable to process language with meaning this meant that the ability marry words with association, then the ability to reason those words into a meta-reality (context and how they “looked”). I was severely face blind, object blind and meaning blind this meant the inability to visual internally my external world meant that I had to use my body to EXTERNALISE to INTERNALISE in other words I mapped out my world through placement, smell, texture, movement and taste.

Body Disconnection, Exposure Anxiety and Dissociation

I was unable to map out my own body, its parts, their placement in association with me or the outside world so I had a level of body agnosias which meant my body with FRAGMENTED as well as my vision and internalisation of receptive language. My conscious mind was seemingly blank as I subconsciously took in the information around me in but was unable to consciously piece it together despite the fact is was near hiding in plain site, akin to playing smoke and mirrors but with my own self.

Exposure anxiety rendered me powerless when confronted with “self” the awareness of my own self existence was too powerful for me to handle. So I disassociated, created characters (each assigned duties, personality types, communication styles) to handle the task of being exposed, mutism, echolalic litanies (once functional speech was acquired).

However I seemed to retain the ability to have introspection, the system of sensing still means I FEEL first and then have to unpick the interpretation secound.
The Self and Other Paradox

Fast track to know I had an experience in which I got to that level which I have described bearing in mind this had not happened in roughly 23 Years! It was shock was unable to do a shared self and other (which can last up to two hours plus), language was losing meaning, visuals where fragmenting (I made error of taking my tints off) and I was feeling detached coming out with stock phrases and it made me think about how I was then

So with help, kindness and assistance of friends and colleagues I was able to map and piece together my emotional states through three videos.
Loss

This video signifies loss that the emotional roller-coaster of meeting loss head on, the process of emotion, the realisation, the impact it has on you and other around them and the great sense of vulnerability that comes with it.

Light and Hope

This video is more metaphor and symbolical in its reverence with me the smoke that plums as he enters the arena is has a great impact on me as it represents hope through the darkness, as he walks to the ring a single light envelopes him which for me feels that light can be achieved in times of such darkness, the creating of light towards end is hope.

This Detachment of Self and Other

The final video to me represents my sometimes lack of ability to get a shared sense of “self and other” and “shared social” in which my conscious thoughts are not married up straight away with other and vise versa, when I LOSE the ability to keep the process becomes mechanical, artificial the automata represents this aspect and also ALL SELF and Casanova represents ALL OTHER .

Paul Isaacs 2020


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A Tall Tail Of Somotisation Disorder

The Beginning

I started getting symptoms of this in late infancy around 11 years old this was related to mitigating factors both to do with neurological processing such as aphasia, alexithymia and visual agnosias, environmental factors bullying and emotional triggering.

Psycho-Somatic Trauma Based Response to Negative Environment Experiences?

I would get sensations of my body “melting”, headaches, stomachaches, tingling in limbs, face and lips and by the time secondary school came and chronic bullying persisted in the first two weeks the pain would start again as stated above.

In particular, the pattern of shrinking was observed in two parts of the brain called the putamen and the caudate, a change oddly reminiscent of adults who have experienced early life stress, such as childhood maltreatment.

These sensations would cause me to have intestinal discomfort ranging from chronic constipation to nausea.

I would go to the school reception during lunch break sometimes on a almost daily basis saying either about a stomachache and/or headache. I would sit in floods of tears wanting to go home this went on for approximately 18 months as my nervous system was also being pushed as panic attacks usually followed before and/or after an episode of pain.

This meant that obsessive-compulsive disorder manifested in persistent hand-washing, counting, checking and reassurance around illness and disease began which last from the ages of 12 to 15.

Psychological Pain Presenting as Physical Pain?

What is Somatic Symptom Disorder

People with somatic symptom disorder experience real physical symptoms — they are not imagined. These symptoms can vary in intensity from mild to severe and often include breathlessness, exhaustion, or weakness, though pain is the most commonly reported symptom. Doctors may be unable to pinpoint a medical reason, or there may be a clear and diagnosable medical cause. However, people with somatic symptom disorder are likely to experience the symptoms of their illness more severely than is common.

 

Fast forward to this year and very recently I woke up in tremendous pain it started with an “itching” sensation in my lower arms and legs, then they felt like they were on fire, I got up and moved my legs persistently for 40 mins trying to “release” the sensation

I went to the GP this week who confirmed somatisation disorder secondary to an anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression and hypercondriasis which makes sense.

Pain would be triggered by talking about illness in any context,so for example people on the bus sat behind me and in the GP waiting room for example the described pain would migrate and move from my lower back, to my upper back from upper limbs to my lower limbs my body would begin to shake and adrenaline fired through my body, my stomach muscles would cramp up and it would gurgle.

I went for a walk two nights ago and my feet went “numb” this caused great distress and panic as I walked home however bursting into tears was a great release for me.

Conclusion

Now most of pain has subsided but what does psycho-somatic pain represent? For me I feel it is unprocessed emotions, recent environmental distress and need for my body and brain to calm down.

Paul Isaacs 2019