Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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What is Love?

Love has no boundaries, love has no goals, love has no expectations, wants, needs or yearnings. It has many fruitful.forms, guises and earthly realities and so with this act we could make the world at the very least more linked landscape to teeter and tread upon..💓

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Identity & “Actual Self”

 

Care nothing about how you think you WANT to appear to others and more on how you really ARE to others.

This will then in turn mean you have depthful and loving interactions that are more meaningful and laced with openness of the heart and substance of the soul.💓

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Be “You” In Your Dreamscapes

Be the the person you are, be the person that is, be the person that is the real you, be the person that is both insignificant but relevant, a failure but a success and be treaded in the infinite pathways of a novice and let go of perceptions of being an worldly expert.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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What Is Friendship?

 

Sometimes what is needed in this tempest most consumed in the worldly minds of others, is to know that someone else of equal candour whom maybe going through the same experiences offers out their gift of listening. To wipe away the tears of depthful melancholy when you feel your body is enveloped in bitter tear drops, to show them yourself at moment when the mirrormind is cracked, to open doors that have been bolted with rust and to give you new feathers so you can fly once more.

As I have been unpicking the system of sensing theory, it has become apparent that mergence of feeling is a beautiful way to connect however one must be thoughtful to each other’s learning process’.

After decades I finally understand the perspective of having a true and meaningful friendship with balance, love and humility, I have all ways sensed this (through bonding) and if there is any a wonderful time to know it. The time is now.

I have learnt something today is that space is as much valuable form of love, care and consideration as being there which is of equal validity.

I apparently have this “skill” of mergence but need to know how to manage, regulate, monitor and use it. I love to help people, empower and to try and be objective which is an important process.

I like people for their raw energy, honesty, humility and empathy and I as people must and try to give them something back.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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The System of Sensing, Inverted Trauma & Dissonance

The System of Sensing

Is a world a still live in its world before ego, before conscious mind, before self and other, before interpretation of your sensory world it is where things are FELT, first it is a world of pattern, theme and feel, it is ethereal, not quite tangible in a logical and literal sense but very much about togetherness and the mergence.

FEEL speak is experienced by all human beings its called being baby in which your nervous system is underdeveloped, its sensory systems are young and interpretation of these senses isn’t there.

For me being profoundly meaning blind and meaning deaf meant that I lived this system (and continue to do so) for a far longer time, this mean I could merge with things, people and places.

Sensing Emotions, Trauma & Dissonance

If some one was to MERGE with someone on a sensing level that is picking up on frequencies that the other person may not be aware of this can mean I can get confused about “self emotions” and “other emotions”, I have unknown awareness of someone because I can SEE them in all their rawness it is beyond cladding, false projection, lying an manipulation.

I can FEEL peoples energies and I can put them into two camps.

Connected With The Sensing World

“Straight & Grounded” these people’s feel speak is well connected, they are natural empaths (who may also be able to sense), their interpretive “speak” marries up with their “feel” speak, I sense fluidity and balance and my communication does in general flow much better because their isn’t dissonance. I tend not to overly apologise to these people, can be assertive and not be triggered by exposure anxiety.

Disconnected With The Sensing World (to differing degrees and reasons)

“Wobbley & Uprooted” these people’s feel speak is not as well connected, they may be extremely empathetic but disconnected from their emotions in some shape or form (information processing, trauma, personality disorder and/or identity crisis) or they they have empathy erosion, they may well have learned to overly rely on the “interpretive system” to hide from themselves due to trauma and/or be deceptive and overly use this “interpretive” system for personal gain.

So these people do two things with the empathics I MERGE with their trauma to the point in which it is MINE on a sensing level and/or if they have empathy erosion they trigger my exposure anxiety and “self” gets protected.

My communication style for both the empathic and non-empathic people in this camp is stilted, laboured, I tend to apologise more and there is less fluidity because the cladding usually contradicts the feeling. I usually “go along” with interpretive thread regardless of if I want to or not. I on some level feel great empathy for them many of them are on journeys in their own right and I have since learned that MERGEING can in turn cause PROJECTION in which I sense the dissonance feedback BACK to the person. This is what I call the mirror effect. (for obvious reasons). If they consciously interpret this they may think that is MY Trauma.  

This causes me great stress and pain and I can get emotional dysregulation.

Dissonance In People Who’s Perceived and Actual Self are Warped

I tend to “sense” people who lie, manipulate and who are superficial because that is based on the ability to use you interpretive system to “pretend” you are something you aren’t, these people can be lost, lonely, friendly, confused, lack a firm sense of self and on the other hand they can be narcissistic, selfish, ego-focused and shallow.

I have a real personal peeve with people whom lie (as a form of control, emotional manipulation). Because I can see it.

Paul Isaacs 2020


In The Last Ten Years

Looking Back

The last ten years have been very intersting in 2009 I was recently out of the Mental Health Services with two personality disorders, auditory hallucinations and psychosis, I was self harming and attempted suicide.

Early Infancy

By clinical observations I was serverely autistic, I was profoundly meaning deaf, meaning blind, body disconnected, oral apraxic and didn’t gain functional speech till later in infancy. I was and am thankful to my parents who had no means of any interventions (in the late 80s many were dated).

In 2010 I was diagnosed with autism and OCD and my speaking career started off in which I went freelance in 2015.

“Standards of Success”

By “non-autistic” standards I “made it” in many ways I suppose. I was considered “retarded” by the village I lived in and was targeted and bullied by the children and adults till my mid-teens.

Education

I was targeted and bullied at school from primary to secondary when I finally left in 2002 (with an isolated incident of sexual abuse) in the latter.

I went on to do an ICT coursecfor a year and had the greatest experience of my life from and educational perspective it proved I could be educated.

Bullying and Employment

The bullying in employment started in 2002/3 so multiple jobs were lost and gained.

I was thankful to the autism base in Chinnor in around 2008/9 for supporting me as well as the start of my speaking career in 2010. Over that period of time I wrote and authored 5 books.

The bullying in employment stopped in 2015 when I went freelance and started working for My World.

This is longest time in employment that I have been safe, comfortable and seen as a part of the team.

I Am A Person-First

People wonder why I use “person-first language” this is why because I do not want to be defined by a “label”. I do not like serperatist “them and us, us and them” rhetoric we (as beings) are all a part of the human race

From 2013 onwards to now I am pleased to have met some of the most wonderful and friendly people in both my personal and professional life.

Love and Life

I lost my Gramp in March 2017 due to metatastic prostate cancer, one of my dearest friends and mentors Polly (Donna Williams) in April that year also to metatastic breast cancer and my Nan in December 2019 due to pneumonia. I shall always cherish my fondest memories of them.

I almost lost my Dad in 2011 due to chronic lymphocytic leukemia and then meningitis in 2018 as well as my Mum in May 2019 due to a complex thrombotic disease.

Creative Mindsets

I have had great fun dabbling in art, poetry and what I call “insta-modelling” in which to my surprise and support from my friends up north has been rather enjoyable!

I have been interested in androgyny for many years prior and have been told I look as such.

One of things I can do well is pluck my eyebrows which I consider an achievement as much as anything else! 😉

Conclusion

So look beyond what is here, look beyond what is heard, what is seen, what is touched and sense people because every cherished little person is special and of equal valor and humility in this world.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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What Are “You”?

I often teeter on the wonderance of what it means to be a brain with a nervous system?

Why I am here? Why I am attuned and attached to an aging body? Why do I think, act, behave and react the way I do?

People are sometimes scared of their own minds and thought processes seeing them as a darkly moulded appendage that is seperate from one’s self an inner coil of contradictory truths.

As I know at this point I couldn’t be more happier being my own best friend, ally and comfort in times of earthly solace to do the right things. I hold in to truths even metaphorical ones and friends of friends a like flow into our pathly existences once again.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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Autism, Musings of a Faceblind and Object Blind Child

Note – This is from a personal perspective

As I child the lack of visual and facial coherence meant that the visual world didn’t pry for the bonding and connective meanings that relied of multiple visual stimulus’, faces meant nothing and visual association was hollow, flat and soulless so I didn’t apply the connections of “me”, you” and “I”.

Making Connections & Gestalt Perception

My first friend was “water” not the interpretive word but the emotional recoil that I gathered and like a friend it was there to give and take.

I would see the puddles, flush the toilets and knew from them what would come. A timely wave of energy which was a akin to expectation as the water flowed the twinkles of spray in the surrounding area and the light shards bouncing off the sun in the morning.

Transitional Objects

“Bear” was used as a transitional object he was large, course and scratchy and would sit next to me in the car when my parents went out and about.

Mirrors & “Me”

The Mirror in the bathroom and other places was a constant source of fascination it took me until 16 to released that “him” was “me” but I found it a comfort not to be alone.

Information Processing & Making Connections

On a pre-conscious level I was “sensing” and “tuning in” to an apart of myself which I wasn’t able to make the connection with in real time so it was slow process from infancy to mid-teenage hood.

Having a level of aphasia, visual-verbal agnosias delayed the process but I am thankful to have given myself a “project” to work on and to bridge the gap between my world, the world and other peoples worlds.

Sensing, Interpretation & “Meaning”

This was a feeback loop in which I was finding other through self and self through other (the sense that the person in the mirror was “other”) this brought upon the slow bridging between my internal world of sensing to a level of intereptation.

Paul Isaacs 2018


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I Don’t Mind Being Solitary – Looking Beyond The Stereotypes

Me Early 20s Christmas Hat

Main Interests of the Solitary Personality Type

  1. finding solitude; being alone
  2. remaining independent; maintaining autonomy; being self-contained
  3. being dispassionate
  4. being indifferent to pleasure and pain
  5. remaining sexually composed; avoiding attachment to anyone
  6. being uninfluenced by praise or criticism

Characteristic Traits and Behaviors

Dr. John M. Oldham has defined the Solitary personality style. The following six characteristic traits and behaviors are listed in his The New Personality Self-Portrait.

  1. Solitude. Individuals with the Solitary personality style have small need of companionship and are most comfortable alone.
  2. Independence. They are self-contained and do not require interaction with others in order to enjoy their experiences or to get on in life.
  3. Sangfroid. Solitary men and women are even-tempered, calm, dispassionate, unsentimental, and unflappable.
  4. Stoicism. They display an apparent indifference to pain and pleasure.
  5. Sexual composure. They are not driven by sexual needs. They enjoy sex but will not suffer in its absence.
  6. Feet on the ground. They are unswayed by either praise or criticism and can confidently come to terms with their own behavior.

“Autism” Is Not A Personality Type

People often think that “autism” has a “look” it doesn’t and never has when people think of autism they may think and/or mentalise certain people they have come across, members of the family, people in movies and/or films etc.

Solitary By What Factors?

Being solitary can fall into differing camps some people can be solitary by circumstances that are out of their control such as the loss of parents and/or guardians, having a small family and other circumstances others may have the complete opposite but their values and environmental factor and/or influences. Some can be both.

I fall into the the category of of circumstance/ environment genetic my family is small, I have sister who I have only met three times when I was in my late teens, I still have my parents and my Nan on my mother’s side. I have never had a partner and would consider myself asexual.

I Value Life

What has this given me time to do? I say that because people are probably going to focus on the the things I have missed or not been apart of? I understand why such comment or feelings would be made. I do not feel I have missed out on anything nor do I feel I have been given a ticket that has not taken me to all the places in the amusement park.

Observing, Friendships & Interests

I love life and being observer of people, the goings on, their life stories and so forth I feel connected to them. I have friends that are real friends because they are people who connect with rather than people that I feel I should be connecting with (there is a massive difference). I like going for long walks on my own, drawing, creating poetry/creative writings, watching movies and listening to music. I like sharing these things as well as “being”. This of course is peppered by being Idiosyncratic, Mercurial & Self Sacrificing.

Conclusion

I feel this have made me as I have matured more objective before you go out into the “world” you have be your own best friend first regardless of your wants and needs in life.

Paul Isaacs 2018