Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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What Are “You”?

I often teeter on the wonderance of what it means to be a brain with a nervous system?

Why I am here? Why I am attuned and attached to an aging body? Why do I think, act, behave and react the way I do?

People are sometimes scared of their own minds and thought processes seeing them as a darkly moulded appendage that is seperate from one’s self an inner coil of contradictory truths.

As I know at this point I couldn’t be more happier being my own best friend, ally and comfort in times of earthly solace to do the right things. I hold in to truths even metaphorical ones and friends of friends a like flow into our pathly existences once again.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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Autism, Musings of a Faceblind and Object Blind Child

As I child the lack of visual and facial coherence meant that the visual world didn’t pry for the bonding and connective meanings that relied of multiple visual stimulus’, faces meant nothing and visual association was hollow, flat and soulless so I didn’t apply the connections of “me”, you” and “I”.

My first friend was “water” not the interpretive word but the emotional recoil that I gathered and like a friend it was there to give and take. I would see the puddles, flush the toilets and knew from them what would come. A timely wave of energy which was a akin to expectation as the water flowed the twinkles of spray in the surrounding area and the light shards bouncing off the sun in the morning.

“Bear” was used as a transitional object he was large, course and scratchy and would sit next to me in the car when my parents went out and about.

The Mirror in the bathroom and other places was a constant source of fascination it took me until 16 to released that “him” was “me” but I found it a comfort not to be alone.

On a pre-conscious level I was “sensing” and “tuning in” to an apart of myself which I wasn’t able to make the connection with in real time so it was slow process from infancy to mid-teenage hood. Having a level of aphasia, visual-verbal agnosias delayed the process but I am thankful to have given myself a “project” to work on and to bridge the gap between my world, the world and other peoples worlds.

This was a feeback loop in which I was finding other through self and self through other (the sense that the person in the mirror was “other”) this brought upon the slow bridging between my internal world of sensing to a level of intereptation.

Paul Isaacs 2018


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I Don’t Mind Being Solitary – Looking Beyond The Stereotypes

Me Early 20s Christmas Hat

Main Interests of the Solitary Personality Type

  1. finding solitude; being alone
  2. remaining independent; maintaining autonomy; being self-contained
  3. being dispassionate
  4. being indifferent to pleasure and pain
  5. remaining sexually composed; avoiding attachment to anyone
  6. being uninfluenced by praise or criticism

 

Characteristic Traits and Behaviors

Dr. John M. Oldham has defined the Solitary personality style. The following six characteristic traits and behaviors are listed in his The New Personality Self-Portrait.

  1. Solitude. Individuals with the Solitary personality style have small need of companionship and are most comfortable alone.
  2. Independence. They are self-contained and do not require interaction with others in order to enjoy their experiences or to get on in life.
  3. Sangfroid. Solitary men and women are even-tempered, calm, dispassionate, unsentimental, and unflappable.
  4. Stoicism. They display an apparent indifference to pain and pleasure.
  5. Sexual composure. They are not driven by sexual needs. They enjoy sex but will not suffer in its absence.
  6. Feet on the ground. They are unswayed by either praise or criticism and can confidently come to terms with their own behavior.

“Autism” Is Not A Personality Type

People often think that “autism” has a “look” it doesn’t and never has when people think of autism they may think and/or mentalise certain people they have come across, members of the family, people in movies and/or films etc.

Solitary By What Factors?

Being solitary can fall into differing camps some people can be solitary by circumstances that are out of their control such as the loss of parents and/or guardians, having a small family and other circumstances others may have the complete opposite but their values and environmental factor and/or influences. Some can be both.

I fall into the the category of of circumstance/ environment genetic my family is small, I have sister who I have only met three times when I was in my late teens, I still have my parents and my Nan on my mother’s side. I have never had a partner and would consider myself asexual.

I Value Life

What has this given me time to do? I say that because people are probably going to focus on the the things I have missed or not been apart of? I understand why such comment or feelings would be made. I do not feel I have missed out on anything nor do I feel I have been given a ticket that has not taken me to all the places in the amusement park.

Observing, Friendships & Interests

I love life and being observer of people, the goings on, their life stories and so forth I feel connected to them. I have friends that are real friends because they are people who connect with rather than people that I feel I should be connecting with (there is a massive difference). I like going for long walks on my own, drawing, creating poetry/creative writings, watching movies and listening to music. I like sharing these things as well as “being”. This of course is peppered by being Idiosyncratic, Mercurial & Self Sacrificing.

Conclusion

I feel this have made me as I have matured more objective before you go out into the “world” you have be your own best friend first regardless of your wants and needs in life.

Paul Isaacs 2018


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Meeting Up With The Kings – Part 2

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I enjoyed very much the time I spent with Kings who show great humility, kindness and gracious affection and homeliness. When I entered their home I was greeted by lovely smiles and warmth that trickled into my soul and made me feel an better person and a more completed being. I such relished the opportunity to glide with them through their family duties with candid humour, streams of meaningful intentions, words dominated and unsuppressed wantings, needing and beings where presented in a warmly household.

Image result for The Kings Autism

Whose sole intentions are to be open and show the utmost loving for mortal people and animals that lightened up many a darkened patch from soddened ground to beautifully fertile and transient piecing the heart of me with curiosity. I would love to visit again. 

Paul Isaacs 2017


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To Polly – A Friend – Thank You

 

To Polly A Friend

Words cannot plunder

The source of your wonder

A light in the bleak dark

Words that make their mark

A kindly soul with the gift to give

A balanced example of how to live

A humbling experience your facts and humour

Your words, pictures and  legacy will forever nearer and sooner

Empowerment 

What can I say? I often have wondered how to put into words how I feel about the impact that Polly has made on my life, the words, the support, the chuckles over our skype chats the personal and professional guidance that was given in the blink of an eye. She has helped broaden my professional career, empowered me to find myself and ultimately has given me invaluable tools.

Setting Examples 

The kindness and concern the building blocks shown by words and example and the insatiable zest for life and to “just be” in your own skin, to have fun, to be serious, to be balanced, to be caring, to be selfless, to be you, to understand me and other, to be giving and to be caring, to not put yourselves above and to finally find yourself and pave your own journey so you may have the tools to experience life anew. That is what I think when I will remember Polly a shining example of balance, breaking of barriers, retaining self, not selling out and creating her own path.

Connecting 

I meet Polly briefly in 2009 at a conference and connected with her on social media a few years later. I value her friendship because she showed me that relationships can be built on safe, secure and balanced foundations and to expect anything less is the time to move on and pave something new. I am fully aware people knew Polly far more than I did in terms of length of time and so forth. I would like to say that the impact she made on me and her continued friendship online put faith and self-belief back into a realistic and doable perspective.

I thank you Polly for giving me the tools to empower, for giving me hope, laughs, reality and solutions and just being you.

Nobody Nowhere – Paper Owl Films 

Paul Isaacs 2017

 


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Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Relationships, Empathy And Not Treating Others As “Objects”

SAM_0739The Importance Of Healthy Boundaries 

Healthy boundaries are so important for all types of relationships when boundaries are pointed out is good for both parties if autonomy is taken away (for what ever reason) can have negative affect on someone’s self-worth and mental health.

In context of people who have negative personality extremes such as

or other associated personality disorders.

Being Balanced & My Journey With Borderline PD

A journey to building up a sense of “self” (because of developmental and personality types/traits) has been very important to me as I am nearing 30 I kind of know what sort of energy is “balanced” with regards to people and friends and when people are crossing boundaries and learning when I am doing the same.

Autism & Borderline Personality Disorder 

This is a link to my website on how this affected me in the late 2000’s and how it can make you feel this is why a value positive and constructive direction not giving too much but at the same time not receiving too much either. This was a tough time in my life but I am glad I go through it a learned a lot from it also. 🙂

Workplace 2007 & Mental Breakdown

I felt worthless at this point due to persistent difficulties in the workplace It was my first place of employment  so I took it out on myself. There seems to by other types of Borderline PD which includes social manipulation, lying and game playing. None I which I did nor do 

What happened to me was an implosion and psychotic breakdown due to environmental stress and workplace bullying.

Autism & Personality Disorders – Coexistence? 

Autism is part of someone’s developmental trajectory- it is diverse and unique in it’s presentations but all human beings also have unique personality traits and types which develop as well.

In the context of autism personality traits/types and styles are just as relevant and if you take my examples above you can see a “normal” personalty type pushed into the “disordered” extreme. On top of that my autism comes into play too in terms of the processing information, language, visuals, “self” and “other” and all the other aspects of my “fruit salad”.

Kindness – I like to help others I but there has be personal boundaries. which is thinking of the person in question good intentions come from the right place with me but what I have learned is about volume and negative intensity. I think about other peoples feelings a lot.

Mercurial Personality Type  – This is the “Normal/Balanced” version of Borderline PD

  1. Decency; Earnestness; Thriftiness.
  2. Mercy, Forgiveness; Modesty, Naturalness.
  3. Hope, Cheerfulness, Joyfulness, Sociability.
  4. Sincerity, Straightforwardness; Honesty, Fairness.
  5. Tolerance, Liberalism, Open-mindedness.
  6. Generosity, Liberality; Courtesy, Graciousness, Equitableness; Altruism, Kindness; Affability, Friendliness.
  7. Idealism.
  8. Energy, Enthusiasm.
  9. Artistry, Inquisitiveness; Boldness, Spontaneity; Creativity, Humorousness.

Family 2003 1Failure is “Normal” and Relative 

I am glad my parents gave me the chance to have autonomy, freedom, understand “failure” and criticism are normal parts of being human and that the goal of being apart of not the centre of is  a good thing and valuing other peoples feelings and autonomy. The importance of being kind and sincere with depth and integrity I know I got from my parents.

I know where I stand with my parents and certainly my friends too. I can’t imagine how a child could be treated in such destructive way that would effect future development in teenage and adulthood that is scary.

Paul Isaacs 2015


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Spirit Of The Wolf

Dad's Tatoo 20152My Father is a spirited person and is very positive and assertive in his outlook on life he is a very balanced individual and knows that having leukemia and graft vs host disease means to him everyday is a blessing, every moment is precious and making use of what you have have got (rather than what you haven’t) is so needed he wants no pity from others nor feels sorry for himself nor wallows in lament or self pity. It puts trivia in its place and makes me at least value the now.

Paul Isaacs

Adult With Autism 2015