Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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Autism, Anxiety & Resilience

It is difficult for autistic individuals to embrace failure or take risks. Instead, patients see themselves as confined in a drama dominated by shadow archetypes, mystery, and chaos. This engenders an unpleasant emotion; one caused in anticipation of danger. Indeed, anxiety is the biggest source of stress for those in the autism spectrum. For many, it is their constant companion. Anxiety thus establishes an intimate relationship with a person only to be interrupted by occasional bouts of intense fear or even panic.

Manuel Casanova 2021

I have written over the years about my own experiences with anxiety and mood disorders from a personal perspective

The dualism of having visual perception challenges (simultagnosia, semantic agnosia) rendering me object and meaning blind was both freeing, tangible, emotive and enriching in one sense but could be the opposite – coping strategies from an early age were dissociation, assigned characters and secondary to exposure anxiety.

My first memorable episode was being meaning deaf not able to decipher the interpretive frameworks of language in early infancy.

Strategies Built Over Time

I value the past, I was undiagnosed until my early twenties so I lived in a sink or swim environment, lacking concrete conscientiousness as a “primary option meant I was adaptive in art, fantasy and later creative writing.

This became a much more leisurely venture, however I still use it as a way of bridging my emotional world through my works

Conclusion

I wanted to know whyI was like I was” this included my attributes, my vices & my personhood (I refrain from lacking objectivity in autism making the condition akin to a “superpower” I would much rather look at reality and all that comes with it).

This I suppose is grounding as you can like people for social binding qualities.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Do I Still Have Challenges?

Autism is neither here nor there, it shouldn’t be glorified or glamoured and in the same light should not be demonised either.

If achievements should be sought then maybe they should be looked upon with healthy objectivity, meaningful connectivity and be socially binding.

I often wonder if people understand my challenges? It is a healthy question to ponder sometimes and maybe there is solitude with such meandering in the infinite mindscapes.

Without my tints there is visual distortion, fragmentation, challenges in depth perception, recognition of objects, faces, people and places.

As a child I would use my side vision, would lick, sniff, tap run and use my body to map my surroundings. As an adult I pattern out routes through movement.

So faceblind I thought my reflection was a separate person until my mid teens, that seeing objects was “dead”, that any focus on one thing meant I lost everything else. I didn’t see with coherent reasoning until the age of 26.

I associate mentalise and learn through touch primarily, secondary to phonics and sound, however having auditory agnosia meant me bridging the gaps between a sound and it’s origin takes time.

That the art of interpretation in terms of language came late – for words were akin to my mind like confetti blowing in the wind. I appeared deaf, words were sounds with no origin. The mechanisms of my speech organs to not always allow for such words to flow and when they did it was feel speak.

A shared sense of social in which I couldn’t do “self and other” in real time meant that I either spoke or listened without making the shared connections, the first time I experienced this was when I was in my mid 20s. I can now do this for up to four to six hours.

That exposure anxiety at its most chronic meant that any direct notion of self awareness from others was met with compulsive self sabotage, now as an adult it is more residual but still has an impact on my ability to share information as I am naturally solitary.

That hemiplegia means I live in half a world and with the extension of body disconnection and pain agnosia meant I learnt to bathe with mixing taps at 14 because of scolding my body and I still struggle with mechanical aspects of shaving, brushing, personal care and oral hygiene, so maybe persistence is my friend?

Alexithymia means that I don’t always know how I feel about myself or what someone has said on a conscious level, however ask me to type something and I will be surprised what I thought or knew, emotional introspection and extensions of creativity leans more than logical or linear structures of learning.

I am thankful for life however a lesson can be retrieved from my writings above that even with all the knowledge, words and experience I still have these challenges.

That is where I find peace and solace knowing for I am a person a part of the world around me.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Autism, Neurology & Information Processing & Making Connections

Connections

I think this to me that people on and off the spectrum may have things in common as well as significant differences.

For those “differences” non- autistic people can have which can make an AUT-istic presentation.

– Let’s look at the first point about facial expressions – a higher number of people in the spectrum have social emotional agnosia (not seeing facial expression, body language or hearing tone of voice). Others may have simultagnosia and have visual fragmentation and/or faceblindness.

– High reactivity could but with exposure anxiety and compulsive retaliation, diversion responses, emotional dysregulation (60 percent cross over with autism), challenges with shared sense of social, core beliefs/internalising and mentalising challenges as an extension of agnosias, aphasias and potentially alexithymia.

– Fawning and poor boundaries could be to do with environmental factors, core beliefs – and extension could be borderline personality disorders/dependant personality disorders in which person has a poor sense of self, dissociation (reaction to information processing as well as environment) and attachment.

– Difficult conversations – challenges with self and other and a shared sense of social (All self NO other/ALL other NO self), social emotional agnosia, alexithymia language processing (aphasias/verbal agnosias), communication challenges (oral/body apraxia).

– Personalising strangers reactions – personality sensitivities, emotional regulation and filtering, social perception related to agnosias and/or language processing. *some people may not take responses on the personal.

– Not understanding when one is in danger this could to do with mono – processing, agnosias (related to social perception), body agnosias/body disconnection, aphasias, alexithymia and not knowing how you consciously feel about the situation and dissociation. *some people may live in system of “sensing* in which they unconsciously filter danger.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Reflective Notions Of Autism & Balanced Narratives For The Future

It’s now the end of autism awareness/acceptance month and I think people do misunderstand my position on this.

Autism & Politics – An Odd Connection

The politics of autism are dicey and that to me is part of the incoming challenges everybody is coming from the angle of their own perspective, internal lens and experiences.

Let’s Look At Healthy, Person Centered Realities

I do not seek cures nor do I see people on the spectrum as “broken” nor do I see autism as inherently a culture.

I think this diverts from the very real issues that are happening on a community based level. I see people as such, three dimensional, patchwork quilts who deserve at the very foundation a chance to be understood and make meaningful connections in their lives.

To be allowed to explore the notions of competence and humanness if we over or underinvest in labels we miss so much, see failure as a friend a companion that will aid you to the path that suits and works.

Being Balanced Isn’t Threatening

I will listen to people even at the extreme ends of the narrative (to gauge their internal reasoning) because even they need their perspectives to be accounted for. I am not the centre piece it’s beyond specific people.

Why I Advocate – Broader Experiences

I advocate and I inform about language processing, visual perception, information processing, exposure anxiety and the fruit salad analogy. Why? To bridge gaps of different experiences, to offer an expansion of the different “systems” within autism, to give people the space, time, autonomy and self ownership to know their autism and empower others.

Conclusion On Personhood

To see that people are people and their personhood should be cherished as much as the challenges faced.

We have as human beings more in common than we times care to wish. I am all for authentic individualism.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Autism – When It Isn’t Just Neurological?

No (for some) with a high prevalence between 40 – 60 percent have either gut, immune and autoimmune disorders as opposed to people with AS who are less likely to have the challenges above – this can and does have an impact.

Vitamin D & Autism

Function

For example vitamin D (and other vitamin malabsorptions) which can cause secondary effects that can be disabling in their own right. Vitamin D is a neuro steroid which impacts on these areas

Some major known biological functions of neurosteroids include modulation of neural plasticity,[26] learning and memory processes,[27] behavior,[28][29] and seizure susceptibility,[30] as well as responses to stress, anxiety, and depression.[11][31] Neurosteroids also appear to play an important role in various sexually-dimorphic behaviors and emotional responses.[29].

Vitamin B12 & Autism

Function

Vitamin B12 aids with digestion and when malabsorption is present it can cause s vast array of neuro, psychological and psych- social symptoms.

Vitamin B12 was discovered as a result of pernicious anemia, an autoimmune disorder in which the blood has a lower than normal number of red blood cells, due to a deficiency in vitamin B12.[5][13] The ability to absorb the vitamin declines with age, especially in people over 60 years old.

Many cases of ‘severely’ autistic child I’ve seen as a consultant didn’t involve B12 deficiencies. Excess Salicylate levels, kids eating fluoride toothpaste and stripping out their gut lining, extreme learned helplessness and Dependent Personality Disorder in families who were co-dependent with it, visual/verbal/body agnosias associated with brain injury or dyspraxia which required brain gym and adaptations, kids with undiagnosed immune deficiencies whose brains weren’t firing on all cylinders but didn’t have B12 deficiency…. you get the picture. So stop grabbing one-size-fits-all autism ‘cures’ like maniacs in the last days of a department store sale. Get sensible and think holistically. Kids are not one size fits all. Nor is autism. Nor are autistic kids.

Donna Williams

Salicylate Sensitivity & Autism

Function

Salicylic acid modulates COX-1 enzymatic activity to decrease the formation of pro-inflammatory prostaglandins. Salicylate may competitively inhibit prostaglandin formation. Salicylate’s antirheumatic (nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory) actions are a result of its analgesic and anti-inflammatory mechanisms.

Hives, joint problems, headaches and attention/information processing issues were part of my childhood. I was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis around age 9-11 and put on painkillers until I was 17 and had few white cells. I had had immune problems all my life and was used to infections running in succession, lasting months and not responding well to antibiotics. By 17 I had regular migraines and was on asthma sprays and thrush became my constant companion. By age 26 I had multiple simultaneous infections (respiratory tract, bladder, eye infections), chronic thrush, severe fatigue, and episodes of numbness, vein problems and swelling in my hands, very dark circles under my eyes and what would later be diagnosed as ‘severe reactive hypoglycemia’. It was 1989 and when I was asked if I’d ever been tested for allergies, I was surprised such a thing could cause such ill health. I was referred to an allergy clinic.

The allergy clinic was run by qualified medical doctors. They injected me with a small amount of salicylate then measured the size of the histamine associated reaction. They had a scale of measurement for these bumps which went up to a score of 22. My score for salicylate allergy was 22. Ah, so that’s why aspirin swelled up my hands, feet, face and neck with edema!. I went home with a diet that was gluten free, casein free, no soy, low phenol, low salicylate and no refined carbs. I had no family support, no counselor. The withdrawal was horrendous. I made it and within 7-10 days I was becoming markedly better on all fronts. I remained relatively loyal to my low salicylate life for 21 years until I was 47 years old.

Donna Williams

Autism & P53 Gene Deletion

Function

A gene that makes a protein that is found inside the nucleus of cells and plays a key role in controlling cell division and cell death.

Deletions in mtDNA and altered p53 gene copy ratios appear to result mainly from genetics, particularly in children with more severe autism,” Giulivi said,” whereas the gene x environment interaction seems to play a greater role in children with autism with less severe symptoms.”

M Father has a P53 gene deletion, CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukaemia) and a diagnosis of AS it was through blood tests that they found out and had to go into a treatment of steroids and a blood transplant.

This would suggest that if the rhetoric is that autism is just – then you miss other realities that may not fit the cookie cutter narrative be bold and understand that it isn’t a one size fits all. Knowledge is power.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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I Am Not Special – Just A Human & Part Of Humanity – Autism is Part Of Not The Centre Of

Act for Autism Event 2022

Act For Autism – Autism & Transition To Adulthood Event this morning I was talking about my “Living Through The Haze” and life on the autism spectrum from a personal perspective.

Birthing Complications & Trajectory

Covering the early aspects of birth, placental abruption and prematurity – with an association with language processing and visual perception.

Agnosias, Aphasia, Context & Connection

Being a meaning deaf, meaning blind & object blind child whom lived and communicated by pattern, theme and feel, externalising – sniffing, licking, tapping, rubbing and to internalise and how that impacts language association.

Being so faceblind that I didn’t recognise my own face in washrooms and mirrors until mid-teens (thinking it was a girl).

Once functional speech came it was that of a three year old (expressively) and exposure anxiety made the directly confrontational world difficult to navigate.

Being pain dead and body disconnection and not reacting to physical trauma.

Autism, Mental Health & Personality – How That Impacts on Self

Secondary conditions such as mood disorders, OCD & dissociation came while in infancy and more complex conditions such as schizotypal, borderline personality disorders, psychosis and auditory hallucinations came in the guise of a nervous breakdown in 2007/08.

I was diagnosed with autism in 2010 and visual perceptual disorders in 2012.

But I still “buzz”at lights, twinkles, colours, shimmer and shine, sounds and words.

The ups, downs and in-betweens of education, employment, autism as a fruit salad, autism, asperger’s & “aspiauts” profiles.

The Human Factor Of Complexity

We (as human persons) are all walking fruit salads, patchwork quilts, raw ingredients yet to be cooked etc. I know my story is my own (I am not representing all) and that is fine.

Overview of Speech & Reflective Points

– Living with significant information processing challenges.

Agnosias (body, face, object, auditory and semantic and this impacted perception/learning & attachment)

Alexithymia (not perceiving self social/emotional feedback)

Oral Apraxia (and words not being able to escape)

Aphasia (language processing and phonics being distorted)

– Not getting a shared sense of social until my late twenties

Living Half and World (hemiplegia).

– Living in a world were interpretive language was not “king” and “feel speak” was/is.

Exposure Anxiety that in its extremes denies selfhood.

Not being logical and literal in navigating the external world (akin to a mind full of confetti)

Personality Disorders that make one feel “mad”

– Seeing that being human is more significant than anything else no more and no less

For All These Pieces What Then?

“Paul” is made up of many things from my upbringing, my landscaped enviroment and people I have met. I stay steadfast in the middle not wanting to indulge, over-invest in such artifices of identity because people as humans are made up of so much more then one word, one label and one describer.

I value the depth nature of human connection beyond the notions of separate invisible lines drawn amongst the invisible sand of othering. For bigotry and denial of shared humaness is still a saddened treading of human mindscapes. I am simply a person who didn’t ask to born (as we all are) so I must take what I have use it with yearning for a fantasy of what “life could be like”.

“Autism” just is “is” it doesn’t define a person in totality and to the path of weathered extremes is like being in the eye of the storm you observe the chaos within the peace – we are (as human beings not a group) made up of multiple ingredients and the same for autism, no one profile is the same, no one experience is the same.

You Cannot Save Anyone – Selfhood Comes From Within

Giving yourself but having steadfast notable autonomy of self cared nuances uplift the soul from the caged stones of uncertainty to the angel whom may fear his wings to be severed a half life deserted.

An eternal garden of one’s own can be tended with up most clarity ladened meanderings of the brain cages experiences of the outer flesh world. Our pastures memories plucked and resown eternal.

You cannot save anybody in this world from the internal torments of their baron life pastures full of bloodied thorns, grating sole that burns the mind soul with every movement. You offer helped hands and give them alone the chance to create their own life seedlings a chance to saunter in new foundational nutrients

One must be able to tend to their mind sphere and understand that giving guidance doesn’t mean plucked ears will clad into the pollen so earnest, tempered responsibility means your selfhood as on going footings most balanced to another.

If people have a baron mindset a tear may be shed for their lives pained thorn throne which their body has been punctured for a lifetime of hardships, however the ploddings are meeting are but an husk for the internal bile that ferments.

To come to internal peace one must look inside out and lurk amount the multiple embryos of sadness, embrace them, be kindly and let them settle as the venom sloshes out and you are reborn through the thronged mossy motherhood.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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House Hunting and Moving Advice for Parents With Children on the Spectrum

Image from Unsplash

I’m a dad living in Philadelphia. I enjoy DIY projects almost as much as raising my two children. I’m also the co-creator of Fix It Dads, which offers tips for home improvement projects.  www.Fixitdads.com

As a parent, your primary priority will always be your child. Considering your little one can be challenging when planning a move, especially if your child is on the autism spectrum. There will be house features to look out for and home modifications to make. In addition, when forced to confront change, children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) often experience extreme anxiety and stress. This can be harrowing to watch as a parent.

However, the payoff for the hard work is well worth the effort. Seeing your child flourishing, joyous, and well-adjusted in their new environment will be highly fulfilling. Whether you’re house-hunting for financial reasons, a job, or wish for a better life elsewhere, moving may just be the ticket to happiness for you and your family. And with a bit of advice from Paul Isaacs’ Blog, you’ll be good to go for a smooth and efficient move.

Keep Your Little One in the Loop

The key to a successful move is to include your child in the decision-making process. According to the Raising Children Network, kids with ASD don’t deal well with change, so it is vital to help them feel secure. Try to let them know about the move as early as possible, so they have the time and space to process the information. Spectrum News reports that kids with ASD typically need a month or more to prepare for a significant life change.

Another critical tip is to paint a vivid picture of their new environment. Tell your kid about their new room, the house, and the kind of school they’ll be going to. Get them excited about features like a pool in the backyard or a great park nearby. Don’t forget to mention anchor features that they value in your current home, such as toys or furniture.

Look For the Perfect Autism-Friendly Home

You will need to find a home that is ideally located to suit your child’s needs. Look for neighborhoods with easy access to good schools, medical facilities, and therapy centers. Once you’ve narrowed down the right location, you’ll have to do some research on median prices. It can be tricky to find a home that is both autism-friendly and affordable. However, remember that details that bother those with ASD are typically easily fixed. For example, painting and lighting are easily changed up for a budget-friendly solution.

In addition to features and home prices, you’ll need to consider annual income, monthly expenses, and the down payment cost. During this time, you may want to consider whether purchasing an “as-is” home is the right choice. In addition to saving you money, purchasing an “as-is” home can allow you to tailor the space to your child’s specific needs. However, if you decide to take this route, make sure that the home’s current state doesn’t pose any risk to your family’s overall well-being.

Fixing Up Your New Home

It’s going to be challenging to find a house that is fitted out with your specifications and meets your budget requirements! You’ll likely need to make a few modifications to ensure that your house feels safe for your loved one. For example, you will have to ensure you’re accommodating your child’s sensory sensitivity. Echoey rooms and unclean spaces are big triggers, so be sure to get some furniture in and deep-clean the home before moving in. Soundproofing, rounded countertops, and quiet appliances are some other features that will be valuable for your child on the spectrum.

Also, take the time to set up smart cameras, safety locks, and smoke alarms, so the house is move-in ready. Set up open concept plans to ensure circulation, as this is important for people on the spectrum. A bigger backyard is also a great way to ensure your child thrives — this will improve their strength, processing, and attention span and give them exposure to the outdoors. House hunting and moving can have some unique challenges when you’re the parent of a child with ASD. However, get comfortable with the difficulties and take it in your stride. Plan ahead for an efficient move, and remember to comfort your child on moving day. The more you involve your child, the better they will adjust to the upcoming changes

Post by Rob Woods

Blogged by Paul Isaacs 2022


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An Alternate View Of Autism & Personhood First Language

Note – This is from a personal perspective of my autism profile, identity and ethos

I have never seen the day of was diagnosed as “autism” being all of “me” and since then I have come to understand why. The day I was diagnosed my parents were present through the process and on the way back to the car my Mum said to me you are still “Paul”.

Autistic Identity Vs. Human Selfhood

She was right in so many ways and that is why I didn’t fall down the hole of the “autistic identity” phenomena with all its trappings of rhetoric (idolisation and recycled stereotypes), confirmation bias (lacking objective reasoning), group think (cliques and separatism) which regardless of intent cause confusion and sometimes overriding opinion over factual information sharing.

Information Processing Challenges Aren’t Unique To Autism

Understanding my own personal information processing challenges took time firstly what the are and where they came from. I had brain injury at birth and no information processing challenge in its own right is “autism” not one what what makes and aut-is-tic presentation is if you have many – for me it was being faceblind, object blind, meaning blind as an extension of visual perceptual challenges, body agnosic, hemiplegia and pain agnosia as an extension of body disconnectivity, language processing challenges which meant I was meaning deaf, didn’t get a shared sense of social until later in adulthood and I was tactile kinesthetic in my style of learning, context, bonding and mentalising.

Mental Health Conditions Aren’t “The Autism”

My mental health co-conditions are not the autism (but can and did temper surface presentation at the time) they do however come along for the ride such as mood disorders in mid infancy infancy, dissociation due being meaning deaf in later infancy, obsessive compulsive disorder by my early teens and exposure anxiety which came about prior to gaining functional speech between the ages 7/8 years old.

Autism, Personality Types, Disordered Extremes & Its Broader Context

When it came to my early adulthood I was diagnosed with borderline and schziotypal personality disorders these were in my case not a misdiagnosis (this also included auditory hallucinations and psychosis). So what can we learn from this in the broader context? That people on the autism spectrum have personalities too and the traits like all other human beings the common being devoted/dependant. conscientious/obsessive compulsive, idiosyncratic/schziotypal, solitary/schizoid. This suggests to me that non-autistic folk can also present as “autistic” because they could have “autistic presented” personality types with certain attachment styles and sensitives. This means that what people are again calling the autism is it that really accurate and in a broader sense helpful? I am solitary, mercurial, serious, self-sacrificing and idiosyncratic. I am also asexual and asocial.

I Am A Happy Human Being? Or Happy Being Human?

Now I can only speak from my own experiences and I can say that I am neither proud, ashamed or otherwise with regards to my diagnosis it just is – this doesn’t come from apathetic dismissal nor does it come from non acceptance. I see myself as a person first not because of shame but because all people are patchwork quilted, layered, multi-faceted – autism is part of who I am not the centre nor is its bulking up my selfhood.

I am happy being a human not a lot people get that chance.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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The Doubled Edge Sword of Autism & The System of Sensing

Note- This is personal perspective of the living in the system of sensing

The System ALL Human Beings Come From?

The “awareness” comes later on in a person’s development in which interpretive, logical, linear and cognitive associative style of making connections comes into place. A baby is a human being that has nervous system which is naked.

That means the filtering and internal cladding that comes later isn’t there or present and thus the ability to sense and merge is present.

How The Relates Contextually to Autism

Although labels create a lot division rightly or wrongly to here are the two basic systems that I have seen in my work over the the years.

  • Asperger’s Syndrome (now since removed) – Social Emotional Agnosia, Logical and Literal mentalising systems with reduced and/or inability to merge and sense due to less information processing challenges.

  • Classic Autism – Social perception due to Visual Agnosias, Less Logical, Less Literal mentalising systems and higher ability to merge and sense due to higher information processing challenges.

How The Sensing System Works

Merging With People

I can sense and merge with people’s emotions, trauma, false core beliefs, internal vulnerabilities, projection and if they are not being honest either with themselves, a group of people or me. This can cause temporary dissonance between selfhood and other, shutdowns and as I have gotten older and gained functional speech potential dialogues that person isn’t consciously ready for and/or uncomfortable with.

I can reason out the difference between a person who is dangerous (narcissists, psychopaths & abusers) to others whom is deeply traumatised and/or living as perceived self (due to a mixture of factors developmental, environmental, attachment and personality disorders) in which their projection (unconscious trauma responses) as an extension of that – the analogy I use for this phenomena is I can feel the sunshine of their personhood which is hiding behind the clouds of unresolved challenges.

Both parties for different reasons (fear and/or a reaction to people’s internal sadness) trigger exposure anxiety and the defence responses that come with it.

Merging With The Environment

I can merge with just about anything losing the ability to gain the interpretive thread of what it means and its function, this were the object and enviroment become from the outside in this could look like someone whom has impulse control challenges.

For example when I commute on the London Underground all the lines, shapes, colours, shimmer and shine all compete for my attention (think of baby being enraptured by lights) and I must keep my conscious mind on track so that I do not merge into my enviroment when this is done I go into trance like state, it is warm and comforting. However removing this feeling can come at the price of emotional regulation challenges. Donna Williams (Polly Samuel) noted a deep sadness when broken away from what she had been focused on in this transient state.

The System Of Sensing & Personality Types

A person who fits the Solitary Personality Type may need time an space from people because of their ability to merge.

A person who fits the Idiosyncratic Personality Type may be highly sensitive to perceptions, thoughts and opinions around them.

A person who fits the Self-Sacrificing Personality Type may be hyper aware of other people’s challenges (regardless of if the person is consciously aware themselves) and likes to help and others.

Conclusion

It can be both heavenly and hellish, it comes with both its abilities and disabilities (or very much because of them), it can lead to connections for a life time, it can lead to misunderstandings and tears, it can lead to happiness, acceptance and all that maybe in between.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Exposure Anxiety – Working With Involuntary Compulsive Avoidance, Diversion & Retaliation Responses

Note this from a personal perspective of Autism & Exposure Anxiety

Viewing Exposure Anxiety As Ego-Dystonic In Adulthood

When I was younger I used view Exposure Anxiety as a part of selfhood in which it was both sanctuary and a cage, a place reside and to hide and place to regulate from the intensity of the nervous system response it would create.

Selfhood, Personality & Mental Health

My view of selfhood has progressed over the past decade with an understanding of personality types, attachment, sociability, core beliefs, outlooks, environmental adjustment and the disordered extremes which can a do entrench functioning.

Mercurial/Borderline, Solitary/Schizoid, Idiosyncratic/Schizotypal, Self-Sacrificing/Masochistic & Serious/Depressive.

I was diagnosed with Borderline & Schizotypal Personality Disorders in 2008 along with mental health conditions auditory hallucinations and psychosis.

Exposure Anxiety, Core Self & Perception

It has come to my attention through two friends also on the autism spectrum that Exposure Anxiety still has an impact on my ability to converse and interact. Impacting on friendships and a shared sense of social. I thank them for pointing this out as it clear on reflection it still is having an impact.

Here is how presentation EA presents currently (the reactions aren’t personal to the listener but a reaction to exposure the compulsive need to “get rid of” the feeling.)

  • Socially Distancing Dialogues & Observations
  • Stilted Telegraphic Language
  • Bouts of Temporary Mutism

How this relates to core self is for you to imagine if you wanted to want, wanted to be, wanted to connect but your nervous system response is blocking to protect the “core self” through a complex nervous system response it could dictate and take over the original contextual reasoning of the conversation.

Perception is multifaceted and also gaps in knowledge are perfectly acceptable, if my reactions are causing potential upset, sadness, frustration or even anger for that I am sorry because regardless of its underpinnings that is the reality for the people involved not myself.

From a personality perspective I am naturally solitary only letting a few people in to my world on a personal level.

Riding Along With Other Information Processing Challenges

Alexithymia means I do not always understand or verbalise my own emotional states in real time, then there is social perception which for me is a mixture of simultagnosia, semantic agnosia coupled with a language processing disorder meaning conscious thought and mentalising internal frameworks and word association can be slower.

Shared Sense Of Social

A reduced ability to get a shared social sense of self and other can be seen in the in Conscientious/Obsessive Compulsive & Solitary/Schizoid personality types/disordered variants. It can make people feel like they aren’t being listen back they aren’t receiving the “feedback” in real time.

It is also be seen in autism “fruit salads” to varying different degrees, presentations with varying components and this can have impact of connected responses and internalisation processes – all self and no other or all other and no self.

Failure Is My Friend

As odd and as counter intuitive as it sounds I am pleased to have met and embraced failure in this area, it keeps me balanced, humble, objective and understanding (at least from my own personal view) how brilliantly unimportant I am in the vastness of the universe.

Paul Isaacs 2022