Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


Leave a comment

“Autism” – It Is Different For Everybody

“Autism” what is it?

Fruit Salad Analogy Copyright D.Williams

Fruit Salad Analogy Copyright D.Williams

Autism is word for a clustering of different co-conditions that come together to create the “presentation” and therefore when one uses the word “Autism” it should be specific it what that means for the person themselves and what the “mechanics” are no one is the same so why should one condition mean that everybody has the same viewpoints? Profiles? Processing issues? and outlook – realities and perceptions.

Stereotypes – Are They Damaging?

If a “one size fits all” perception of autism then yes – it will affect outlooks, mental health, interventions, motivations, opinions (created and/or forced) not all people on the autism spectrum are logical, literal thinkers/processors, not all are visual thinkers/processors and everyone on the spectrum has their own unique wants, needs and aspirations it not about setting someone up for a fall or failing to recognise a person because they don’t “fit in”.

Lines Culture or Created Culture?

Anybody can create a culture it can start off with an ideal and/or ethos that then becomes reality – I don’t believe that autism is a different culture and never have done. What I do see is a culture being created around autism. Which is a different thing altogether.I am all  and firmly for equality, humanity, humility and happiness. And for people on the spectrum (like everyone else in the world) to have an equal shot at life and have opportunities.

What I am not for is false prophets, venomous politics,  militancy (from culturists and curists) – I prefer to be neutral and through that you can see both sides in balances democratic manner, selfishness and so forth all voices have a right to heard, acknowledged and recognised – disagreement is fine but at what point does one go too far? I have made this point in previous blogs that I think that the autism world will eventually implode on itself and how many people on and off the spectrum suffer as result? Just because they didn’t “tow the line” or “say the right things” Will it be just the same sycophancy? Or will all (people on and off the spectrum’s) view’s be heard? I wonder? Let’s stop the man-made barriers and start listening to ALL peoples views.

I am not angry but I am upset – not really for me but for the others who will be affected.

Paul Isaacs 2015


1 Comment

Autism, Bullying & Mental Health – Personal Perspectives

This from a personal perspective on Autism and Mental Health 

SITUATIONAL & ENVIRONMENTAL 

From as long as I can remember I was bullied – this came in many forms verbal, physical, emotional/psychological and one instance sexual.

It started at around 5 Years old this point I wasn’t functionally verbal it ranged from instances of verbal humiliation from the local place were I lived, taunts, swearing and so forth to more confrontational approaches such as throwing objects at me, taunting me with nails wrapped in a someone fist (this happened during an altercation at a “kissing gate” which is a gate in a field), threats of harm and death/being killed were even on the cards as well as my family being included as well.

This sort of abuse went on for many years on my local area – it also happened on the way to school via public transport taunts and set-ups were a way of getting my attention but of course it was much more than that.

Family Photo Early 90s 2SCHOOL – PRIMARY EDUCATION 

At Primary School when functionally verbal speech (in year 4) came I was subjected to humiliation by teachers this would include having one to one meetings with the then headteacher. This is were my dissociative disorders started as a way of “self protection” with no parental support (as they were not told of these meetings), being told to walk in “a line”  in a class of silent observant children as this would help with my “walking” and learnt with my first experiences of talking that is was to protect not that is was a way of having a interaction that was balanced nor “normal”.

The last year of Primary School was when I was being bullied by a teacher this cased severe mental disturbances such as anxiety and mood disorders, continued dissociative disorders, depression, somatisation, psychosis (imagining my body “was melting”)  (bad tummies,  stomach cramps, headaches, jaw-ache, toothache) these were perceived to be real by me but they were result at this point of over 7 years of bullying from different places people and origins some I dread to thing where they came from. This lead to me being in mental health services for the first time.

Holiday Early 2000s1SECONDARY EDUCATION 

In the first two weeks bullying started and this took a different turn it would be about my appearance (weight, looks, face, teeth, nose etc) so this lead my down the path of eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphia, emotional dysfunction due to alexithymia and bouts of mutism (due also to information processing and exposure anxiety) and further dissociative episodes  – it also came in the guise of two teachers commenting about me becoming upset and going to the reception in tears. Two teachers used humiliation tactics in front of my classmates with regards to this behaviour of course this was to with emotional processing and went on for approximately a year.

SEXUAL ABUSE

About two years I started having flashbacks (fragmented visions), night terrors and panic attacks what came to a head was an incident of a sexual nature when I was in my mid-teens a form of PTSD emerged with the “false memory”  being “unpicked”. I have no doubt this has had an sub-concious affect on how I view myself, my gender, my sexuality and the way in which I view sex but thankfully I through in this in both coming to terms with it and moving on.

Me Early 20s 1WORKPLACE

From the years of fifteen onwards I had been bullied in the workplace this came in the forms of name-calling, taunts, covert tactics, not being listened too, diversion tactics, gas-lighting to just plain insincerity and nastiness. This can have a dramatic affect how one perceives relationships both personal and professional. This has a dramatic affect on the way in which I viewed work and people in adulthood. I wrote a suicide letter wanting to the end the seemingly endless pain of existing this happened in the late 2000s. And was in adult mental health services.

DAMAGED “GOODS” TO BEING “AFFECTED”

Along with my Autism profile I have had sadly a string of negative situations. I no doubt that it has damaged me, it seems for the last 25 years I have had a torrent of negative behaviours that have affect my perception and my self worth but I live in hope that I can and will get through this and also learn from these situations. I want it to go from damaged to affected. I have the drive to do so.

BE BALANCED & FRIENDSHIP

I value being balanced the clarity in which it brings and the positively that it brings, agreement, disagreement and having a transparent and fluid view on lift – I still wear “my heart on my sleeve” which means I am open and honest about things sadly this can be a problem in certain situations of trust and can has has been used against me but it again goes back to my point of being balanced and regaining connections and perceptions of what true friendships and connections are something that I didn’t have in my early years.

A VICTIM OF NARCISSISM?

I have been from the perspective of being  honest and truthful – an reverse tactics (the “victim” of the circumstance becomes the “nuisance” & “enemy” and must be stopped at all costs! – however how that can be depends on the person in question it can overt to covert and passive-aggressive (via gossiping, mixing lies with the truth and blatant lies) such as avoidance by others or the person’s themselves, getting people “on side”, spying and gossiping and “getting information” this can also lead to the person who is in “right” by character to slowly become the person who is “wrong”.

This blog I can relate to this and the a blog about this entitled Are you being used as a flying monkey for a narcissist? There have been many a time were I have entrusted personal information to people who I thought I could trust only for it to be used against and spun.

Balanced and empathic people will not seek to to do this they will want transparency, fluidised connections and an openness.

CREATIVITY & POSITIVITY 

Through my poems, pictures and writings it has fuelled this aspect of my being and has been both my friend and confidant in all sorts of emotional tides. I am by no means perfect, I want no pity and I am  not a victim through this is what I have learnt the importance of trust, healthy relationships and friendships, failure, truth, being, living and having a laugh at yourself those things to me are important. :-)

Toyah – It’s A Mystery 

Paul Isaacs 2015


Leave a comment

Hellraiser Trilogy Boxset – Product Review “We Have Such Sights To Show You!”

Hellraiser Blu-ray Trilogy BoxsetOVERVIEW

I recently obtained the Hellraiser Trilogy Blu-ray this is a Region B  Italian Release (By Koch Media) and both an Italian dubbed  and original soundtrack.

Some fans of the series consider the first three instalments to be the better movies in the franchise which has racked up many sequels and prequels (to the events of Hellraiser: Bloodline) in its own anthology although sometime in the future I will review the stories and plot – here I review both the audio and video presentations on the discs.

VIDEO

Video is presented in widescreen 16:9 and formatted in HD (BD-25) single layer discs (one for each movie) with Full 1080p and also at 24fps. These to me are the best all three movies have ever looked the colours are balanced and correct, less flickering due to the enhanced frame rate and also bold, detail and colours. The first movie is flawless (or close to) with minimal specks and grain. The second movie is a big improvement other previous DVD releases with colours being sharper and more bold and less soft although it is still apparent – it is clear in this movie that the lighting is very different in tone to what was wanted in the first this dues ping out at you during the latter half of the movie. The third movie (in which production was taken to the the USA) has well balanced tones and a clear distinct sharpness due to the HD mastering of the picture.

AUDIO

All movies have an amazing 5.1 DTS mastered soundtrack and it is the best I have heard all three movies benefit from this with enhanced bass, pitch and over atmospheric detail  which is again a vast improvement on all three movies. They have never sounded so good.

CONCLUSION

Despite having no special features the audio and visual presentation alone is enough for me to recommend these movies as well as the sturdy and interesting packaging. Overall highly recommended.

Paul Isaacs 2015


Leave a comment

Moving On – Political Egalitarianism

Egalitarian_and_equality_logoWe Can Do This

Moving Forward – With the recent positive and empowering comments made below with regards to the Government yes I believe we can move forward if people help each other we can challenge many things and call upon common sense and reality to do so, call upon the will for better future were Egalitarianism and equality for all, regardless of class, social status, gender, colour or religion – with social economy made fairer and accessible for all, social security/benefits more person-centred and empowering the ill and disabled, NHS to still be the NHS, the rich and poor gap to cease and to an end to hopelessness and poverty. I still live in hope and were there is hope there is a vision of reality that accounts everybody so despite this government coming people can still stand for a fair social world. :-)

Let’s do this! :-)

Paul Isaacs 2015


Leave a comment

The Political Landscape Of Tomorrow Becomes Today

CenobiteReflective Thinking 

I don’t usually talk about politics but today I woke up to a Conservative Government a this is truly worrying for me – my parents lived through the hardships of the the earlier Conservative government in the past. So if you want cuts to your NHS, benefits and social security lampooned and made light of with stereotypes a plunder to induce further cutting, bedroom tax, elderly fuel allowance cut, pension ages to rise, employment to rise (but at what emotional cost!) and the constant propaganda about the deficit needing to be tackled when “money” can just be created anyway, the broadening of the rich/poor gap while they sit idle on there ivory towers looking over their “kingdoms” they have created then congratulations you have got it. Welcome to hell!

However…read my next post for some more reflective thinking. ;-)

Paul Isaacs 2015


Leave a comment

Tom Baker – The Fourth Doctor – Top 10 Stories

Tom Baker’s performance as the the Fourth incarnation of The Doctor is an impressive, quirky, odd idiosyncratic performance her is my person list of my favourite stories.

  1. Ark in Space
  2. Genesis of the Daleks
  3. Planet of Evil
  4. Pyramids Of Mars
  5. Hand of Fear
  6. The Deadly Assassin
  7. The Robots of Death
  8. The Leisure Hive
  9. The Keep of Traken
  10. Logopolis

Paul Isaacs 2015


Leave a comment

Autism – Visual Perception, Language, “Self” & “Other” & Connecting

Note – This is from a personal perspective of how autism affects me

Wedding Photos 19861Connecting with Parents

In the early years I remember my parents by parts their being, my Mum would be through the feel of her hair and my Dad through sculpting his face and getting a sense of connectivity through tactile stimulus – the system of “sensing” and “energy” that filled the house was care and love.

Family Pets

We had a dog and that was my first experiences of having an animal I liked him very much and could us me tactile system to “piece together all the dots” through stroking him, in affect he was as much “family” as a had through the lenses of my “parents” the energy was good and safe on both counts I didn’t need to understand why? internalise? It just was at in this point of my development that was fine. I knew they loved me but it was “sensing the love” and that was shown back.

Quinn and IAwareness Of Other People

Today I was asked when I was aware of other people – I had to think about this it was at school in Year 4 that on basic level I was aware of others this may have been due to gaining functional speech (that was developmentally of a 3 year old) and the connects I was trying to make in a body that was just about obeying my commands, a mind swilling with words but finding it hard to grasp them like sand through my fingers or as ethereal as trying to connect touch-wise with a ghost and endless mirage of sounds, hums and tones which I struggled to into words – living before the literal can be just as much a confusing place as being (language wise) a literal person

“Self” & “Other”

Developmentally from a receptive language perspective am stuck in projecting “self” or “receiving” other, but ( struggle still in real-time to have a conversation in the moment, before I gained functional speech I had “patterned” and/or “sensing” speech/language creating my own words for feelings and I also used to sense “good” and “bad” energy this was living in world before the literal and/or significant. I still use this system today despite being able to speak verbally. A “sense of self” is a complex thing I have garnered the basics a few years ago which to me is good. I still can “tune out” but I hope to get there we are all on a journey. :-)

Paul Isaacs 2015

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,210 other followers