Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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Should Parents Be Friends With Their Children?

Caregiver Role?

Parents should never be your friends it’s set as an unhealthy president. They are your caregivers not your companions but they can however be your guides and signposts.

The Cycle of Emotional Incest, Negative Attachment Patterns & Impact On Development

What can and dues happen is a cycle of co-dependency, attachment disorders, emotional instability, lack of self identity (common in borderlines), depression and anxiety.

Emotional incest (covert incest) is where a caregiver emotionally “dumps” on a child through.

– Inappropriate behaviour
– Emotional Outbursts (emotional dysregulation)
– Unresolved Issues (trauma, attachment, identity)
– Expectation that the child must “fix” emotional problems and make them happy
– Fears the child gaining autonomy (friendship, relationships, self identity)
Co-dependency (monopolising and manipulation)

This can lead to the child having challenges (leading and through adolescent and adulthood) in and around

– Self identity
– Perceptions of Intimacy
– Sexual Intercourse
– Friendships & Relationships
– Boundaries & Attachment
– Love vs. “Fixing”
– Heightened nervous system responses

Conclusion

Be brave enough to break the cycle, find who you are, be assertive, take control, live your connected life and allow yourself to grow authenticity.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Not Changing The Past But Your Perception Of It

I was speaking at Thomley Families about my life last month, It’s not a difficult subject to broach as I have been talking about in the context of autism for well over a decade.

If I had been diagnosed with autism in early infancy it would have been of “classic” or “severe” autism.

I was functionally non- verbal, due to oral apraxia and aphasia, meaning deaf, meaning blind and object blind due to visual agnosias, pain dead, body disconnected due to hemiplegia and body agnosias and retained the system of sensing before the interpretation and associated frameworks of the external world.

However, I was a happy child despite the challenges, the bullying in education, the village in which I lived and through the many years of employment.

I would not have changed a thing because such is life, the sink or swim process taught me resilience and autonomy, my parents not seeing my whole personhood as “the condition” meant failure was normal, co-dependency was not on the cards and accountability was a necessary skill.

I wasn’t pandered so I was allowed to live, breathe and experience life.

Being thankful is healthy taking acknowledgment of your life and seeing experiences as learned lessons for the pastures of the future. I live a human life which is balanced.

Resentment causes bitterness and a narled sense of “otherness” It’s saddened that people think this way.

Much of how I look and my neurological makeup was and is out of my control.

Autism just “is” demonisation and glamourisation don’t tell an authentic tale just a projection of what people want to hear.

I wonder what the little person below is thinking? Or maybe he is just being and that was enough for him.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Depression & The Power Of Self Ownership

Note – This is from personal, observational & professional perspective

Things to take into account when someone is managing depression, now a basic overview of the condition is the primary impact on mood, perception and metabolism.

There are some hard truths about this that people overlook or deem as being emotionally hard or distant. We live in a boundary erosive world in which there is too much breathing space to temper one’s own emotional management.

One must seek balance in their own way.

– Seeking meaningful change will be down to you.

– Strategies to improve and/manage your mood will be down to you.

– Off loading is a temporary measure and again it’s down to you to take (or not) the advice given.

– Any therapy will be down to you, the decision to go must be a connected one.

– Any support by friends and family members is fine but it has to be balanced in which one isn’t becoming co-dependent.

There is nothing fundamental in error for looking for help, yearning for depthful meanderings of surly support in times of clouded mindscapes.

However the quest for autonomy and self ownership should not be hastened by the notion of crystal hardened phonic laden wordlings that gush.

Conclusion

See the power of you for you, for the flesh cage you are in is the one that circles until the end.

Make it a comfortable place to reside – external gratification only chinks the surface allows a more deeper understanding of yourself.

Paul Isaacs 2022


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Autism, Bullying & Letting Go Of The Cycle Of Victimhood


This is personal perspective of how I internalised, rationalised and brought closure to the psychological and on occasion physical abuse I endured.

People sadly get overinvested in victimhood, projecting it, feeding it, it distorts reality, lowers objectivity and autonomy.

Inner World Project Actions

The way in which I rationalised bullying was to understand that they had challenges in their own right (anxiety, mood, attachment, info processing) that could come from their environment or otherwise.

At the very least they gave me a foundation of how not to treat others and at the very most I wish they them well in their future, connected endeavours and thank them.

Closure And Objectivity

Closure came when I humanised their actions that they themselves were and are people – this doesn’t mean that agree with bullying nor that I would be (presentence) in their company.

However having closure is coming at peace with the past understanding whom you really are a lengthy but worthy process.

Conclusion and Reflection

I do not want to be accepted by others in the most superficial and fawning senses (it repeats the cycle of victimhood/victimisation) – one must come to the reality that accepting yourself first is a worthy venture

Paul Isaacs 2021


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Being Thankful for My Parents

Note this is from a personal perspective

Being thankful is a term used for many different contexts, it has different meanings, associations and be it personal or professional and it can come from an emotive place deep within someone’s being and soul to take a humble acknowledgment of the foundations laid bare that I had no control of (no person does) but giving it some thought and the time to do so has made be reflect on my early years.

Not Knowing But Still Doing

I was born in 1986 and my parents had now knowledge of the word “autism” for it would be many years before the word would be uses, so one must get by the frameworks and current situation in other words my parents not knowing did it hinder? Or through this did it urge them to be me more holistic, creative, and more practical in their approach towards me as a human being? I think it did.

Different Systems & Trajectories

If I would had been diagnosed it would have been of “classic” autism this wasn’t just about milestones speech, language and motor delay were noted – I was also hemiplegic, had visual perceptual disorders, face, object and meaning blindness and well as being meaning deaf and having a language processing disorder some of this partly due to being brain damaged at birth.


I lived (and still due to some degree) in the system of sensing, was tactile kinaesthetic, had pattern, theme and feel language – but my parents saw me as their child, their son and valued member of the family this speaks values not only of one’s character and the wordless observations at the time but the patience and nurture that goes with being a caregiver.

Many adjectives and observations were made the idea that I was deaf and blind, having an attachment disorder these were all perceptions (rightly or wrongly) put upon not only me but my family. The way in which my parents dealt was in a a very holistic and fluid way the expectations they had for me was simple but would later a sturdy foundation to build from “happy”.

Autonomy, Growth & Boundaries

Now that is one emotion of many they cared not for existential things, materials or hierarchy or work or education because that was something I would do on my terms, they offered the values of autonomy, the healthiness of failure as a normal part of life and the sanctity of self-exploration.

As I have grown, I have valued their company, their need for boundaries, direction and care which has built up a mutual respect but not tipping into areas of blurriness of misinformation, but all our cards are held to each other we know where we stand.

Conclusion

The greatest gift that many are denied from their parents and caregivers (at many times through no fault of their own – just repetition of generational patterns) is the ability to grow into one’s own connected self this is something I hold dear and treasure.

Paul Isaacs 2021


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What Is Friendship? What Is True Connection?

I think these are all valuable points – the test of a friendship can be outside of an environment that you were habituated in or become accustomed to.

Superficial Connection

What I behaviour I find worrying is people who appear to care on (sometimes on a superficial level) or proclaim genuine connection but internally act otherwise and switch to other “friends” because of social-emotional convenience or opportunity.

Mental Health & Environment

For me that isn’t true friendship that is situational necessity and can be fuelled by co-dependency, gas-lighting and sometimes a chronic need for external validation.

Now I understand the psychological underpinnings of such patterns – trauma, attachment, personality disorders etc.

Self-Ownership & Autonomy

But hypothetically if someone is going to take conscious ownership when information has been supplied work on being your own best friend first and break the cycle of victimhood and empower yourself to take control and autonomy.

Transparency

Friendships should be built at the very least on genuine connection, rapport, and dynamism if that isn’t there how can that be a called a friendship?

Please read this useful article: How to Know if Your Friend No Longer Likes You

Paul Isaacs 2021


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Interview by UK Health Radio About Life On The Autism Spectrum

I had the pleasure not being interviewed about my life on the spectrum by JJ Stenhouse she also interviewed advocate and Tally Nothey about parenthood and her son who is on the autism spectrum.

Paul Isaacs 2021


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What is Communication & Interaction? Should We Look Deeper?

All people have different ways of interacting with people based on many different factors. This is from a personal perspective.

Personality Types, Conversation & Self

For example I am idiosyncratic so I have deep, introspective emotive conversations with people as a preference, I am solitary by nature so I feel comfortable with my own self, I struggle with praise and prefer sometimes more balanced and objective, real observations of things, I am mercurial so I can flit between different cultures, friendships but I am mindful about the challenges of borderline – lack of self identity, sloppy boundaries and emotional dysregulation (which has a 60 percent crossover with autism), I am self-sacrificing so I am willing to aid, support and help others in need but must be care not to present myself as a doormat, I am serious and can be intense and conversations and prone to depressive episodes.

Ego-syntonic Nature of Co-conditions & Complex Information Processing

OCD drove my to be solitary out of the shackles of the conditions, Exposure Anxiety caged me from the want to connect, dissociation was both and ally and enemy when I was severely meaning deaf/blind and being context blind at least allowed me to appreciate (and partly retain) the system of sensing being etc.

Information processing stuff such as faceblindness, simultagnosia mean I struggle with a shared sense of social, language processing disorder means I can go “deaf” to meaning however just KNOWing this information gives me something to work upon.

A lot of Contrast & Subjective Natures?

I think the situations you talk about are mixture of culture, environment, expectations (social, intercultural, gender, context) and how one’s brains are able to keep up (regardless if they are on the spectrum or not), personality types/clashes of ideals, perceptions, rules, outlooks.

Conclusion

It’s a melting pot that people look yourself accordingly – in the end it is what works best for you.

Paul Isaacs 2021


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Autism Bucks Workshop – Coping With Death & Loss

This is the fifth workshop presentation is about autism and coping with death and loss.

Further Information & Reading

Autism, Emotions, Attachment and Borderline Personality Disorder

Language Of Death

Paul Isaacs 2021


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The Problems With “Autistic Identity”& Stereotyped Perceptions

“Neurotypical” A Word Misused & Inaccurate?

There is no such thing as “neurotypical” in terms of a collective definition of people, viewpoints or principles.

It’s a word I never use as it seems to adorned a slur like status in projection. Bigotry is as such is not only based on stereotypes but I feel hinders more balanced narratives and objective dialogues and information sharing.

We Live In A Human World First Identities Come Second

This isn’t a “neurotypical” world either it is world full of different and sometimes conflicting ideas, notions and perceptions of “other” which then lead in extreme cases to towards conflicts in bias.

Autism Militant Projection & Distorted Narratives

Militant narratives burns more bridges than it claims to build, by having a narrow lense of how someone who isn’t on the autism spectrum acts, thinks, feels etc.

How does this build a platform for idea sharing, life sharing and forming healthy agreement and disagreement?

Non- Autistic Realities & Autistic Realities – All Human Beings Are Walking “Fruit Salads

There are different forms of non-autistic realities and some parts of those realities may be relatable to an “AUT-istic” experience such someone whom has faceblindness, object blindness or language processing disorder. In other words there are multi- faceted realities of being “non-autistic“.

For the AUT-ism is not a collective reality either, not everything is sensory, not everything is language processing, not everything is dyspraxia etc.

For these are potential facets of an AUT-istic experience but are separate and identifiable pieces in their own right, that can exist on their own terms and have different presentations.

The Problem With Identity- First Narrative

That is why Identity-First language is misleading because what “parts” one is choosing to relate may not be the “autism” (in their “fruit salads) anyway.

Paul 2020