Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


Leave a comment

What is Communication & Interaction? Should We Look Deeper?

All people have different ways of interacting with people based on many different factors. This is from a personal perspective.

Personality Types, Conversation & Self

For example I am idiosyncratic so I have deep, introspective emotive conversations with people as a preference, I am solitary by nature so I feel comfortable with my own self, I struggle with praise and prefer sometimes more balanced and objective, real observations of things, I am mercurial so I can flit between different cultures, friendships but I am mindful about the challenges of borderline – lack of self identity, sloppy boundaries and emotional dysregulation (which has a 60 percent crossover with autism), I am self-sacrificing so I am willing to aid, support and help others in need but must be care not to present myself as a doormat, I am serious and can be intense and conversations and prone to depressive episodes.

Ego-syntonic Nature of Co-conditions & Complex Information Processing

OCD drove my to be solitary out of the shackles of the conditions, Exposure Anxiety caged me from the want to connect, dissociation was both and ally and enemy when I was severely meaning deaf/blind and being context blind at least allowed me to appreciate (and partly retain) the system of sensing being etc.

Information processing stuff such as faceblindness, simultagnosia mean I struggle with a shared sense of social, language processing disorder means I can go “deaf” to meaning however just KNOWing this information gives me something to work upon.

A lot of Contrast & Subjective Natures?

I think the situations you talk about are mixture of culture, environment, expectations (social, intercultural, gender, context) and how one’s brains are able to keep up (regardless if they are on the spectrum or not), personality types/clashes of ideals, perceptions, rules, outlooks.

Conclusion

It’s a melting pot that people look yourself accordingly – in the end it is what works best for you.

Paul Isaacs 2021


Leave a comment

Autism Bucks Workshop – Coping With Death & Loss

This is the fifth workshop presentation is about autism and coping with death and loss.

Further Information & Reading

Autism, Emotions, Attachment and Borderline Personality Disorder

Language Of Death

Paul Isaacs 2021


Leave a comment

The Problems With “Autistic Identity”& Stereotyped Perceptions

“Neurotypical” A Word Misused & Inaccurate?

There is no such thing as “neurotypical” in terms of a collective definition of people, viewpoints or principles.

It’s a word I never use as it seems to adorned a slur like status in projection. Bigotry is as such is not only based on stereotypes but I feel hinders more balanced narratives and objective dialogues and information sharing.

We Live In A Human World First Identities Come Second

This isn’t a “neurotypical” world either it is world full of different and sometimes conflicting ideas, notions and perceptions of “other” which then lead in extreme cases to towards conflicts in bias.

Autism Militant Projection & Distorted Narratives

Militant narratives burns more bridges than it claims to build, by having a narrow lense of how someone who isn’t on the autism spectrum acts, thinks, feels etc.

How does this build a platform for idea sharing, life sharing and forming healthy agreement and disagreement?

Non- Autistic Realities & Autistic Realities – All Human Beings Are Walking “Fruit Salads

There are different forms of non-autistic realities and some parts of those realities may be relatable to an “AUT-istic” experience such someone whom has faceblindness, object blindness or language processing disorder. In other words there are multi- faceted realities of being “non-autistic“.

For the AUT-ism is not a collective reality either, not everything is sensory, not everything is language processing, not everything is dyspraxia etc.

For these are potential facets of an AUT-istic experience but are separate and identifiable pieces in their own right, that can exist on their own terms and have different presentations.

The Problem With Identity- First Narrative

That is why Identity-First language is misleading because what “parts” one is choosing to relate may not be the “autism” (in their “fruit salads) anyway.

Paul 2020


Leave a comment

Autism, Understanding True Love & Mergence Of Actual Self

See the source image

Note – This is from a personal perspective

Make Compassionate Comparisons 

What I have learnt today is a great lesson in the fact the brain can only take in a certain amount of information at a time, people have a unfortunate tendency to put a hierarchy on trauma, that one is worse, one is this more and other is less.

The truth is that devalues both parties to being just about the subject of comparisons, emotional detachment and spawning a level of guilt that person’s own trauma reactions is not compatible bases on the notion of “being less” therefore an inappropriate expression or reaction.

I have never believed that one’s life experiences should traded for another’s based on how someone should feel, nor do I agree with a person monopolising an experience to their own ends. It devalues both the experiences and realities of the subjects at hand.

Trauma & Rationality 

I have recently met all my traumas as realities in their own right, the emotional and sexual abuse at school, the emotional and psychological abuse at placements of employment, the death of my Grandparents and the illnesses that have almost killed my parents. They are experiences but not definitions of my overall character.

I take the learned experience of taking autonomy, objectivity and emotionality of all these events, understood them, internalised them as I was always myself and never sought projection as a game worth playing. I would never change a thing in my life as it has tempered my spirit, served valued lessons and kept me humble.

Detached Surface Responses

Superficiality it is like being presented a cake and realising beyond the icing there is nothing more than air underneath. I refused to play the ritualistic notion of “being a victim” as yet again it is a detachment from self not a synthesis of of the latter. False identity is just if not more taxing than not knowing who you are at all. Self respect is needed.

Self love is not selfishness, nor is empathy about other always putting your needs first, then a person must treat into the middle in which care for others and yourself should be of equal beauty.

Autism, Personhood & Identity 

With regards to my autism, I personally have never seen it as all of “me”, it is not omnipresent and nor would it make sense for it to be so. I say this not out of shame but out of balance.

So many other aspects of my life being woven into the interlinking quilt of personhood that makes “Paul” let’s at least see people being defined by more than one word.

Paul Isaacs 2020


Leave a comment

Autism, Childhood Trauma Core Beliefs & Moving On

SAM_0498

Note – This is from a personal perspective 

Unpicking Trauma & Distortion Of Core Beliefs 

Defining Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is subtle – it comes in various guises and because there are no visible wounds or scars it is difficult to detect. Emotional abuse damages children’s self-concept, and leaves them believing that they are unworthy of love and affection. Emotional abuse is invariably present in all types of abuse, and the long-term harm from emotional abuse can be equally, if not more damaging, than other forms of abuse.

Childhood Trauma, Negative Core Beliefs,
Perfectionism And Self-Injury (2012) by Jan Sutton

Talking with my CBT therapist yesterday she described that young children are vulnerable to the projection and distortion of “core beliefs” if they are exposed to them from an early age, this no doubt can run into the sub-conscious mind and the person can then act out (with out knowing) these belief systems.

The memory came from when I was around the ages of 7 I was functionally non-verbal and I was told to have a meeting with the headteacher in her office at around lunchtime.

I was in this office for an hour, my parents had not been notified of the meeting, I was not fed or watered that day as a result. I shall bullet point the overall presentation of what she projected to me, during the meeting I had largely dissociated.

  • You do not walk properly
  • You do not talk properly
  • You cannot learn properly
  • You do not learn in the same way as the other children
  • You cannot tie your shoelaces
  • You walk around alone in the playground

This took due to visual-verbal processing and mentalising challenges not only a long time to sink in what she said, but also a level of self-awareness that this had an impact on my self-perception, development and functioning. Through out education my perspectives were often maligned, discarded, ignored or not acted upon in an objective, rationale manner. In 1996 I was sent for therapy at the Park Hill Hospital in Oxford.

The specialist in question had little understanding of my presentation or how I felt about the current situation, it was heavily implied towards the end of the assessment that my parents were abusing me and thus I was attachment disordered.

Sexual Abuse As Teenager

What to Expect After a Teen Is Sexually Abused

Being a teen is already a stressful and confusing time. Experiencing sexual abuse makes life even more confusing. Teens often act as if the abuse did not happen. The pain is too much at times so they work hard to avoid the pain. You may notice in your teen feelings of sadness, nervousness, guilt, and fear; changes in behavior such as withdrawing from friends and family, a drop in school performance, or trouble sleeping; avoiding reminders of the abuse such as people, places, or things; or engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as running away, substance abuse, self-mutilation, or suicidal ideation.

Melissa Reilly, LCSWBrian H. Williams, MD

I was around 15 at the time is came as repressed memory many years later in 2011 (night terrors) and I pursued counselling in 2013 I was made to believe that the repression was not real.

This not being believed and listened (by a professional) then lead me to make my own way to the place where it happened at get closure, I looked at the door for which seemed like forever and I walked silently away.

The incident itself was of anal penetration by a person older than me that was confined in the boys changing rooms and that is all I can remember on the subject, however I can piece to together problems it presented –

Perceived Self & Actual Self?

I am thankful for all my experiences that have happened in my life, positive and negative, good and bad, right or wrong. One has to thank people whom bestowed things onto you it has given me perspective, opened up the pursuit of a balanced self and objective happiness, the promotion of healthy boundaries and ethics has furthered my ability to be connected with myself as person as opposed to a false projection.

Paul Isaacs 2020

 

 

 


Leave a comment

Why Are People Disconnected From Certain Emotional States?

20170613_094128~2

Culture of Conditioning 

Westernised society has conditioned many people to be enraptured by the such emotional rigidity, as to the falseness of how such perceived “negative emotions” and “positive emotions” are handled with.

“Faux Emotional” Responses & Polarising Negative/Positive Thought Patterns 

Smiles and joy are not painted on and should never be supplied as a shallow coping mechanism for darkly thought-scapes, that means you will never understand the lessons of both true sadness and happiness, they both exist to give each other meaning and clarity.

It you are disconnected from BOTH you will never get the timely validity of either.

I have noted that some of my expressions of sadness and melancholy have confused or even upset, however these emotions just “are” they are neither “good or bad”, “right or wrong” they are a human EMOTION to be explored.

Conclusion

Feel things without the threat of judgement. Or put up cladding that in the end distances you further from yourself and other people.

Paul Isaacs 2020


Leave a comment

What is Love?

Love has no boundaries, love has no goals, love has no expectations, wants, needs or yearnings. It has many fruitful.forms, guises and earthly realities and so with this act we could make the world at the very least more linked landscape to teeter and tread upon..💓

Paul Isaacs 2020


Leave a comment

What Is Friendship?

 

Sometimes what is needed in this tempest most consumed in the worldly minds of others, is to know that someone else of equal candour whom maybe going through the same experiences offers out their gift of listening. To wipe away the tears of depthful melancholy when you feel your body is enveloped in bitter tear drops, to show them yourself at moment when the mirrormind is cracked, to open doors that have been bolted with rust and to give you new feathers so you can fly once more.

As I have been unpicking the system of sensing theory, it has become apparent that mergence of feeling is a beautiful way to connect however one must be thoughtful to each other’s learning process’.

After decades I finally understand the perspective of having a true and meaningful friendship with balance, love and humility, I have all ways sensed this (through bonding) and if there is any a wonderful time to know it. The time is now.

I have learnt something today is that space is as much valuable form of love, care and consideration as being there which is of equal validity.

I apparently have this “skill” of mergence but need to know how to manage, regulate, monitor and use it. I love to help people, empower and to try and be objective which is an important process.

I like people for their raw energy, honesty, humility and empathy and I as people must and try to give them something back.

Paul Isaacs 2020


Is Bullying “Normal”?

Here is an interesting observation, many people who bullied me at school and during my time in education I have heard have always said they “observed” the acts never instigated implying overtly they were witness’ not people to take part in the act.

Let’s be frank you did on a daily basis commenting on my appearance.

  1. How I talked
  2. How I walked
  3. My weight
  4. My lack of friends
  5. My lack of intelligence
  6. My emotions
  7. My parents, my grandparents
  8. My social status.

This would happen at class, during breaks/lunchtime, waiting for transport home/during transport and at the place were I live from the ages of 5 to 16 years old.

This also included parents and teachers.

However just because I have made conscious and dedicated effort to see and take the good out of your actions, to not let them define me, to not be bitter or hold on to reductive actions of revenge or futile bitterness of the past that doesn’t not mean your acts were correct.

I can be objective and say it was your homelife, your sense of unfulfilment socially and/or academically, clashing of personality, the chemical imbalances that come with teenagehood, the peer pressure etc.

To which is true, however in terms of projection and hurt you flung on me was vile, cruel and cowardly you made me feel worthless and at multiple times I wanted to not live.

Bullying isn’t a “normal” part of growing up, it isn’t a right of passage, it isn’t a phase and the word itself trivialises the actions which is, psychological and/or physical abuse and projected trauma onto another human being.

I thank you for bestowing these actions on me because you gave me a framework how not to treat people, I understand a lot of you have families and children.

I hope you have matured and changed as you have grown and I sincerely wish your young one’s do not go through what I went through.

I refuse to be a victim of the past, for I do not want it to live in my future.

Paul Isaacs 2020


1 Comment

A Tall Tail Of Somotisation Disorder

The Beginning

I started getting symptoms of this in late infancy around 11 years old this was related to mitigating factors both to do with neurological processing such as aphasia, alexithymia and visual agnosias, environmental factors bullying and emotional triggering.

Psycho-Somatic Trauma Based Response to Negative Environment Experiences?

I would get sensations of my body “melting”, headaches, stomachaches, tingling in limbs, face and lips and by the time secondary school came and chronic bullying persisted in the first two weeks the pain would start again as stated above.

In particular, the pattern of shrinking was observed in two parts of the brain called the putamen and the caudate, a change oddly reminiscent of adults who have experienced early life stress, such as childhood maltreatment.

These sensations would cause me to have intestinal discomfort ranging from chronic constipation to nausea.

I would go to the school reception during lunch break sometimes on a almost daily basis saying either about a stomachache and/or headache. I would sit in floods of tears wanting to go home this went on for approximately 18 months as my nervous system was also being pushed as panic attacks usually followed before and/or after an episode of pain.

This meant that obsessive-compulsive disorder manifested in persistent hand-washing, counting, checking and reassurance around illness and disease began which last from the ages of 12 to 15.

Psychological Pain Presenting as Physical Pain?

What is Somatic Symptom Disorder

People with somatic symptom disorder experience real physical symptoms — they are not imagined. These symptoms can vary in intensity from mild to severe and often include breathlessness, exhaustion, or weakness, though pain is the most commonly reported symptom. Doctors may be unable to pinpoint a medical reason, or there may be a clear and diagnosable medical cause. However, people with somatic symptom disorder are likely to experience the symptoms of their illness more severely than is common.

 

Fast forward to this year and very recently I woke up in tremendous pain it started with an “itching” sensation in my lower arms and legs, then they felt like they were on fire, I got up and moved my legs persistently for 40 mins trying to “release” the sensation

I went to the GP this week who confirmed somatisation disorder secondary to an anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression and hypercondriasis which makes sense.

Pain would be triggered by talking about illness in any context,so for example people on the bus sat behind me and in the GP waiting room for example the described pain would migrate and move from my lower back, to my upper back from upper limbs to my lower limbs my body would begin to shake and adrenaline fired through my body, my stomach muscles would cramp up and it would gurgle.

I went for a walk two nights ago and my feet went “numb” this caused great distress and panic as I walked home however bursting into tears was a great release for me.

Conclusion

Now most of pain has subsided but what does psycho-somatic pain represent? For me I feel it is unprocessed emotions, recent environmental distress and need for my body and brain to calm down.

Paul Isaacs 2019