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Autism from the inside


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Living With Anomic Aphasia In The Context of Autism

paul-amber-2002-3Note that this is from a personal perspective 

Speaking to a speech and language therapist yesterday it got me thinking about my autism trajectory and what residual and very apparent markers of disability are still present and more importantly how they manifest and present themselves.

LOOKING BACK 

As a child it took me a long to time to speak and use language in a functional way this meant that both receptive and expressive language was hard to filter and decode into something that was connecting and meaningful.

LEFT HEMISPHERE & LANGUAGE

As I have stated in previous blogs part of my development was due to brain injury to the left hemisphere this part of brain is were human language is formed (although other aspects of the brain will connect with this).

THE PRESENTATION NOW 1  – VERBAL LANGUAGE 

As an adult  the type of a aphasia  (receptive and expressive) as apart of my autism would be considered residual in presentation and it effects me with I tired my words get stuck like a “blockage” and I have to consciously “find” the words which seem almost on “there” but disappear leaving me to have longer pauses or repeat “umm” for example.

THE PRESENTATION NOW 2  – VISUAL PERCEPTUAL DISORDERS & MENTALISING

Lacking visual internalisation means that I don not have a “meta-reality” which involves complex pictural referencing in other words I do not “store visual information in a coherent way” meaning that retrieval and word association when tired can be slowed down.

Having simultagnosia means I see things in pieces that has an effect on how I internalise visual information and mentalising (organising) and need to focus on movement, pattern and touch to externally map-out something rather than internally.

Anomic aphasia (also known as dysnomia, nominal aphasia, and amnesic aphasia) is a mild, fluent type of aphasia where an individual has word retrieval failures and cannot express the words they want to say (particularly nouns and verbs).[1] Anomia is a deficit of expressive language. The most pervasive deficit in the aphasias is anomia. Some level of anomia is seen in all of the aphasias.[2] Individuals with aphasia who display anomia can often describe an object in detail and maybe even use hand gestures to demonstrate how the object is used but cannot find the appropriate word to name the object. [3]

CONCLUSION THE PRESENTATION NOW 3  – ANOMIA (WORD FINDING)

It is completely understandable that not having an visual memory and having a long developmental history of language associated issues that word finding at times for me can be difficult but one much use what they have and accept what is going on. I’m glad I am in a position to understand what is going on and I hope this blog helps others who can relate to this. 🙂

Paul Isaacs 2017

 

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My Language Development – Receptive & Expressive Aphasia & Visual Agnosias

IMAG0083Note this is from a personal perspective

Overview 

Yesterday I presented a speech on my life with autism afterwards I had an interesting conversation with a lady who specialises in aphasia and language development so I thought I would go through my language trajectory.

Speech & Language Delay

I had both delays in speech and language acquisition this means that I was missing milestones on both these areas of language development – this was noted by my parents during those early years of development and I didn’t a level of functionality to my speech until late infancy.

Receptive Aphasia

This meant the the language of “the world around me” was a garbled tumbling mess that was feel of noises, inflections but not “meaning” in the typical sense at times I would be interested in these “noises” perplexed, intrigued even but it was very much a swirling bottle neck with the words being at the deepest part of ocean within the sea-back grasping yet not.

Expressive Aphasia

When expressive language did present itself it was not at the level firstly of my chronological  age and secondly what coming did not reflect what I wanted to say to people around me so there was quite rightfully and frustration there as words would “drop” both receptively and expressibly sentence construction, “word-finding” and neologisms which came in the form of echolalia was present and having created my “own language” (pattern, them and feel) before typical  interpretative language and unpicking that was difficult. As I have said I had before I had “words” within my head but grasping them, finding them and using them was being “blocked” by other factors.

Conclusion

Looking at my overall trajectory would say that I had global anomic aphasia coupled with additional difficulties created by the visual perceptual disorders and oral apraxia.

OVERVIEW OF APHASIAS 

Visual Agnosias, Simultagnosia & Semantic Agnosia – Related to Anomia

The word finding aspects I can split into two aspects firstly the nature of aphasia itself and not being able to use word retrieval and secondly the perceptual disorders (visual fragmentation, visual semantic problems) and not having “visuals” for words meant that making tangible and “concrete” associations was difficult.

I had to use a lot of tactile-associative strategies sniffing, rubbing, mouthing and sculpting my “external reality” in order to get a aspect of meaning I still very much “live in a world” before the literal so significance and bridging the gaps are important to me.

This meant that perceiving objects, people, faces was one aspect verbally being able to name them was another aspect of language which I found difficult.

Oral Apraxia 

I had this which layered the impact of speech production the use of my tongue, mouth, jaw and having a level of “disconnect” between the “words”, the “mind” and “body” not acting as team and going on there own path this caused difficulties in expression this carried on for many years and was notable present in observations of me at a CAMHS assessment in 1996 for at that time clinical depression.

Residual Issues Still Present? 

I would say the are in particular when I am tired this is something I have become more aware of as I have researched and got older so this means that sometimes my expressive speech can become laboured, slow and I can miss out words in sentences and struggle with “word-finding” etc. What helps me is music, gesture, tone, placement, telegraphic language and objects of reference to gain the firstly and foundation and then secondly meaningful association. However as always I continue to live life, experience life and enjoy life as much as possible with new experiences, friends and creativity 😉

Paul Isaacs 2016

 

 


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“Autism” what does it mean?

Note this is froDad and I Dancingm a personal perspective

When I was diagnosed with autism in 2010 one of the first things that I was told is that was still a “person” even if I didn’t the mechanics and/or “pieces” of my autism that nevertheless was a sage piece of advice that has stayed with me on a personal and professional level.

“Autism” is different for each person so here is a breakdown of the “mechanics”

  • Emotional perception (alexithymia) problems with recognising and verbalising emotional states.
  • Visual perception (visual agnosias) problems with perceiving faces, objects, reading words, colour and “sorting out my visual field into a “whole”.
  • Language processing (receptive aphasia) problems with processing and interpreting “meaning” and “significance” from language.
  • Auditory processing (auditory agnosias) problems with organising the origins of sounds.
  • Body perception (body agnosias and hemiplegia) problems with processing and perception on the right side of my body which affects coordination, problems with recognising pain, hunger and thirst.
  • Body and Movement (visuospatial dysgnosia) left-right disorientation.
  • Light Sensitivity (sensory integration disorder and related learning difficulties) problems with light creating distortions as well as dyslexia and dyscalculia.
  • “self” and “other” processing simultaneous information which requires this can be difficult.
  • Mental health and personality disorders.

 

PERSONALITY TYPES

I have four main personality types which intermingle with each these are human in terms of presentation but will differ form person to person – human beings under stress may develop “disordered” versions of these types affecting social and personal perception, mood management and interpersonal relationships and friendships.

  1. Idiosyncratic
  2. Mercurial
  3. Self-Sacrificing
  4. Serious  

 

NOT RELATING TO “AUTISTIC IDENTITY/IDENTITY-FIRST LANGUAGE 

I do not see my whole being as “autism” nor define myself by it. I see it apart of me, in my case the pieces are emotional perception, visual perception, language perception, auditory perception,
body perception, light sensitivity, information processing and learning difficulties
 with associated mood disorders, exposure anxiety, somatisation disorder, dissociation and personality disorders but they are not a total nor finite definition of my being. I can only speak from my perspective and that is all.

I am “Paul” first with the all the positives and negatives that come with it the likes, dislikes, regrets, dreams and the sense of just “being”. I shall never adhere to the “club” there is to much militancy, over-investing and politics. I see myself as apart of the human race – no more, no less, no more worthy, no less worthy just a person like one of the billions of people on the planet everyone has a story to tell don’t they.  😉

Paul Isaacs 2016


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Being Brain Damaged – Is Apart of my Autism Profile – A Word That Just “is”

Baby Fisted Hands

Baby picture – note fisted/clasped hands and pointed toes signs of brain injury

Note – This is from a personal perspective of how autism affects me and my profile

Brain Damage/Injury

Brain Damaged and/or brain injury is apart of the reason why I have autism and certain “pieces” of it would not have been there but this is due to circumstance and environment the difficult birth, the placental abruption and oxygen deprivation that caused and stoke, left-right disorientation, visual perceptual disorders, language processing disorder (aphasia) and issues with internalising and externalising language and other developmental aspects.

A Human-Being – Everyone is Equal 

I have no problem with seeing this a part of the issues I face nor do I have an issue with the terminology being used in the this world today words sometimes to have to be used as marker and my case this is maker of a clustering of symptoms that I have as a result of brain injury – as I have stated in the title it just “is” and I am fine with this it doesn’t make me feel any more nor any less. I am “Paul” first (and to be honest always will be) everything else pales in the background of significance.

I have been dealt a set cards and I am going to use them to the best of my abilities. I am not a super-human, I am not the next generation of humanity, nor a super-being, I am not technical, logical or literal or “intellectual”. I am afraid I am just a person.

Autism is Person Centred – It isn’t the Complete Definition of the the Person

I would however I say that I am creative (like art, poetry, wordplay, soundplay, textures, patterns, colours and fashion) and idiosyncratic (I play to the own beat) , mercurial (I listen to my emotions) and solitary (I like moments of my own company)   – all the other things are redundant to me in the bigger picture they apart  of me they aren’t me. I am just a person living life and that is really all. People can play with words all they want but sometimes it is better to get real if not for your sake then for others.

Paul Isaacs 2015


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Autism, Bullying & Mental Health – Personal Perspectives

This from a personal perspective on Autism and Mental Health 

SITUATIONAL & ENVIRONMENTAL 

From as long as I can remember I was bullied – this came in many forms verbal, physical, emotional/psychological and one instance sexual.

It started at around 5 Years old this point I wasn’t functionally verbal it ranged from instances of verbal humiliation from the local place were I lived, taunts, swearing and so forth to more confrontational approaches such as throwing objects at me, taunting me with nails wrapped in a someone fist (this happened during an altercation at a “kissing gate” which is a gate in a field), threats of harm and death/being killed were even on the cards as well as my family being included as well.

This sort of abuse went on for many years on my local area – it also happened on the way to school via public transport taunts and set-ups were a way of getting my attention but of course it was much more than that.

Family Photo Early 90s 2SCHOOL – PRIMARY EDUCATION 

At Primary School when functionally verbal speech (in year 4) came I was subjected to humiliation by teachers this would include having one to one meetings with the then headteacher. This is were my dissociative disorders started as a way of “self protection” with no parental support (as they were not told of these meetings), being told to walk in “a line”  in a class of silent observant children as this would help with my “walking” and learnt with my first experiences of talking that is was to protect not that is was a way of having a interaction that was balanced nor “normal”.

The last year of Primary School was when I was being bullied by a teacher this cased severe mental disturbances such as anxiety and mood disorders, continued dissociative disorders, depression, somatisation, psychosis (imagining my body “was melting”)  (bad tummies,  stomach cramps, headaches, jaw-ache, toothache) these were perceived to be real by me but they were result at this point of over 7 years of bullying from different places people and origins some I dread to thing where they came from. This lead to me being in mental health services for the first time.

Holiday Early 2000s1SECONDARY EDUCATION 

In the first two weeks bullying started and this took a different turn it would be about my appearance (weight, looks, face, teeth, nose etc) so this lead my down the path of eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, body dysmorphia, emotional dysfunction due to alexithymia and bouts of mutism (due also to information processing and exposure anxiety) and further dissociative episodes  – it also came in the guise of two teachers commenting about me becoming upset and going to the reception in tears. Two teachers used humiliation tactics in front of my classmates with regards to this behaviour of course this was to with emotional processing and went on for approximately a year.

SEXUAL ABUSE

About two years I started having flashbacks (fragmented visions), night terrors and panic attacks what came to a head was an incident of a sexual nature when I was in my mid-teens a form of PTSD emerged with the “false memory”  being “unpicked”. I have no doubt this has had an sub-concious affect on how I view myself, my gender, my sexuality and the way in which I view sex but thankfully I through in this in both coming to terms with it and moving on.

Me Early 20s 1WORKPLACE

From the years of fifteen onwards I had been bullied in the workplace this came in the forms of name-calling, taunts, covert tactics, not being listened too, diversion tactics, gas-lighting to just plain insincerity and nastiness. This can have a dramatic affect how one perceives relationships both personal and professional. This has a dramatic affect on the way in which I viewed work and people in adulthood. I wrote a suicide letter wanting to the end the seemingly endless pain of existing this happened in the late 2000s. And was in adult mental health services.

DAMAGED “GOODS” TO BEING “AFFECTED”

Along with my Autism profile I have had sadly a string of negative situations. I no doubt that it has damaged me, it seems for the last 25 years I have had a torrent of negative behaviours that have affect my perception and my self worth but I live in hope that I can and will get through this and also learn from these situations. I want it to go from damaged to affected. I have the drive to do so.

BE BALANCED & FRIENDSHIP

I value being balanced the clarity in which it brings and the positively that it brings, agreement, disagreement and having a transparent and fluid view on lift – I still wear “my heart on my sleeve” which means I am open and honest about things sadly this can be a problem in certain situations of trust and can has has been used against me but it again goes back to my point of being balanced and regaining connections and perceptions of what true friendships and connections are something that I didn’t have in my early years.

A VICTIM OF NARCISSISM?

I have been from the perspective of being  honest and truthful – an reverse tactics (the “victim” of the circumstance becomes the “nuisance” & “enemy” and must be stopped at all costs! – however how that can be depends on the person in question it can overt to covert and passive-aggressive (via gossiping, mixing lies with the truth and blatant lies) such as avoidance by others or the person’s themselves, getting people “on side”, spying and gossiping and “getting information” this can also lead to the person who is in “right” by character to slowly become the person who is “wrong”.

This blog I can relate to this and the a blog about this entitled Are you being used as a flying monkey for a narcissist? There have been many a time were I have entrusted personal information to people who I thought I could trust only for it to be used against and spun.

Balanced and empathic people will not seek to to do this they will want transparency, fluidised connections and an openness.

CREATIVITY & POSITIVITY 

Through my poems, pictures and writings it has fuelled this aspect of my being and has been both my friend and confidant in all sorts of emotional tides. I am by no means perfect, I want no pity and I am  not a victim through this is what I have learnt the importance of trust, healthy relationships and friendships, failure, truth, being, living and having a laugh at yourself those things to me are important. 🙂

Toyah – It’s A Mystery 

Paul Isaacs 2015


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Autism – Visual Perception, Language, “Self” & “Other” & Connecting

Note – This is from a personal perspective of how autism affects me

Wedding Photos 19861CONNECTING WITH PARENTS

In the early years I remember my parents by parts their being, my Mum would be through the feel of her hair and my Dad through sculpting his face and getting a sense of connectivity through tactile stimulus – the system of “sensing” and “energy” that filled the house was care and love.

FAMILY PETS

We had a dog and that was my first experiences of having an animal I liked him very much and could us me tactile system to “piece together all the dots” through stroking him, in affect he was as much “family” as a had through the lenses of my “parents” the energy was good and safe on both counts I didn’t need to understand why? internalise? It just was at in this point of my development that was fine. I knew they loved me but it was “sensing the love” and that was shown back.

Quinn and I

AWARENESS OF OTHER PEOPLE

Today I was asked when I was aware of other people – I had to think about this it was at school in Year 4 that on basic level I was aware of others this may have been due to gaining functional speech (that was developmentally of a 3 year old) and the connects I was trying to make in a body that was just about obeying my commands, a mind swilling with words but finding it hard to grasp them like sand through my fingers or as ethereal as trying to connect touch-wise with a ghost and endless mirage of sounds, hums and tones which I struggled to into words – living before the literal can be just as much a confusing place as being (language wise) a literal person

A SENSE OF “SELF AND OTHER”

Developmentally from a receptive language perspective am stuck in projecting “self” or “receiving” other, but ( struggle still in real-time to have a conversation in the moment, before I gained functional speech I had “patterned” and/or “sensing” speech/language creating my own words for feelings and I also used to sense “good” and “bad” energy this was living in world before the literal and/or significant. I still use this system today despite being able to speak verbally. A “sense of self” is a complex thing I have garnered the basics a few years ago which to me is good. I still can “tune out” but I hope to get there we are all on a journey. 🙂

Paul Isaacs 2015


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Emotions, Words and Speech Production In The Context Of Autism

Paul 1996 - 7 2Note – This is from a personal perspective 

The Landscape of Words

Speaking and going on and on for the one’s sake not knowing the beginning where it started nor where it ended or  were it should end the internal cluttering coming from within me like a tidal wave of phonics being spurted out in a “scatter gun” approach the receptive sounds coming into my consciousness  – I had a speech and language delay (I had no coherent words in my head until I was 7/8 years old) and the words are still whirling trying to pin point meaning, context, relevance, need, want, substance, creativity, what the other person wants, what I want it doesn’t always fit it at times is  lack of coherence a kaleidoscope of feelings with no visual basis or formation. I will always try and have a go and feel by trying it is giving me more opportunities  to integrate and connect.

Logorrhea

In psychology, logorrhea or logorrhoea (from Ancient Greek λόγος logos and ῥέω rheo “to flow”) is a communication disorder, expressed by excessive wordiness with minor or sometimes incoherent talkativeness.

Sometimes I talk and talk but it doesn’t mean I understand or connect with what I am saying (the expressive function) and also the I don’t always process what the other person is saying (receptive function) this is in context is to do with with aphasia and the “cluttering” of language based auditory information. This is reflected in the content and the way in which I am expressing the information at the time.

Thought Disorder

In psychiatry, thought disorder (TD) or formal thought disorder (FTD) refers to disorganized thinking as evidenced by disorganized speech. Specific thought disorders include derailment, poverty of speech, tangentiality, illogicality, perseveration, neologism, and thought blocking.

Derailment

In psychiatry, derailment (also loosening of association, asyndesis, asyndetic thinking, knight’s move thinking, or entgleisen) is a thought disorder characterized by discourse consisting of a sequence of unrelated or only remotely related ideas. The frame of reference often changes from one sentence to the next.

In the context of how I process words and my own emotions which is a condition called alexithymia (I connect with gesture, movement, tactile feeling, textures and tastes) my thoughts are buried beneath many hidden levels this can lead to thoughts ebbing and flowing from within me with multiple things being said from different areas. The irregular retrieval means that I always trying to find words for emotions and the emotions come first so it happens in reverse causing the issues stated above also.

Conclusion 

I will continue to try and find the things within me that connect with being human which make me feel inclusive, connected and integrated with the world around me using the tools i have learned to the best of my abilities. 🙂 Poetry from a personal perspective has helped me with these processes of word formation and emotions. 🙂

Paul Isaacs 2014