Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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What Is It To Be Truly Balanced? An Internal Process That Will Change Future Relationships, Core Beliefs & Attachment

Note- This A Personal Perspective & Observations

It’s interesting to me I have been thinking today about what makes “true happiness” or being content? Being loved? Love starts and ends with you, self love in terms of not looking for others to fix you and indeed be fixed. If one is there connected self then us no need for you to find anything as it all resides within you. Regardless of your surroundings – family, friends, children etc.Then once those seeds have been sown you can be fruitful friendships, relationships that are connected you know and feel their energy.

Some people aren’t ready to know that their conscious and unconscious minds, perceptions, core beliefs can have a deep reaction to unresolved trauma (this is about introspection, objection and taking ownership and responsibility) they may get angry, upset, dismissive, dissociative, become impulsive or go back to threads of thinking that confirm otherwise – this is a defence, I choose not to take it personally.

AUT-Tisitc Personality Disorders

  • Someone who is Schizoid may become inverted and detached
  • Someone who is Obsessive-Compulsive may want order, structure and control
  • Someone whom is Schizotypal may become more inverted and paranoid

Self based Personality Disorders

  • Someone who is who is Borderline may have bouts of emotional dysregulation due to feelings of emptiness
  • Someone who is Dependent may yearn and be submissive/or monopolise to their caregiver
  • Someone who is Passive-Aggressive may be angered by their and feel the world is against them
  • Someone who is Narcissistic may want revenge and delude themselves with grandiose thoughts

In the end these people need and open-minded and autonomous person whom can give them the space to work through there own challenges.

Understanding “Self” May Not Easy – The Road To Balance

You do not and cannot be in people’s shoes all the time, you may give them tools, balanced advice or nothing at all. However true connection you can ask for them to experience whoever they are – wish them peace and clarity.Here are mine – I know their origins and through that you work with the systems through rationalisation.

  • I would dissociate from interpretive language due to being profoundly meaning deaf during infancy
  • Body dysmorphia with regards due to circumcision and not processing operation and inappropriate incident in with children in my early infancy. This has extended to other parts of my body.
  • I have an ongoing binge eating disorder due to gratification of over eating (being encouraged, validation and “normalised”) and this is in relation to emotional dysregulation and impulse control in mid late infancy.
  • For many years I had emetophobia (fear of vomiting) which started when I vomited on the house carpet in house after having orange juice in infancy. It was resolved in my late teens.
  • I have at times a subconscious reaction to certain words/phraseology – this is now largely resolved as was due to a isolated incident with a teacher at Primary School.
  • I have had Shy Bowel and Bladder Syndrome due to having the toilet door kicked in when I was infant at school in mid infancy.
  • I pick my hair which is related to impulse control (dermatillomania) because it was a relaxing/comforting experience when my Mum picked scabs from my hair when I had chicken pox in mid late infancy.

Knowing the origins of different aspects of oneself can be a road that may be filled with fear and uncertainty but it could well be a release from the shackles of the past.

Paul Isaacs 2021


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The Problem With School Reunions?

I was speaking to my Father today about why I wouldn’t go to a school reunion, to reclaim the past you cannot move forward by going back.

It would be a hopeless, emotionally draining affiar which with even the suggestion of going back would recoil me. I have no desire to revisit a place of trauma and abuse. I have set my own goals and objectivity on this and gave got closure.

People Change

My wish for the people whom bullied me on a daily basis is this recognise the damage you caused first, internalise and move on, the same goes for me, you never knew I was developmentally disabled contextually that is fine, however your harm was done but “done” is not “now”.

The positives are this

  • You gave me a framework of how not to treat others.
  • You gave me an understanding of how damaged and unhappy people emotionally project
  • You gave me a concept of emotional survival and resilience in “sink or swim” environment.

Conclusion

So for those of you whom observed and/or were apart of this whom have families and loved ones? Just make sure you do not let your little ones to bestow on to others what happened to me (bigotry can be unlearned). I hold no bitterness.

I have no regrets, no desires for past changes only to learn that failure is your friend and that they’re stepping stones for self awareness.

Paul 2020


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Autism, Understanding True Love & Mergence Of Actual Self

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Note – This is from a personal perspective

Make Compassionate Comparisons 

What I have learnt today is a great lesson in the fact the brain can only take in a certain amount of information at a time, people have a unfortunate tendency to put a hierarchy on trauma, that one is worse, one is this more and other is less.

The truth is that devalues both parties to being just about the subject of comparisons, emotional detachment and spawning a level of guilt that person’s own trauma reactions is not compatible bases on the notion of “being less” therefore an inappropriate expression or reaction.

I have never believed that one’s life experiences should traded for another’s based on how someone should feel, nor do I agree with a person monopolising an experience to their own ends. It devalues both the experiences and realities of the subjects at hand.

Trauma & Rationality 

I have recently met all my traumas as realities in their own right, the emotional and sexual abuse at school, the emotional and psychological abuse at placements of employment, the death of my Grandparents and the illnesses that have almost killed my parents. They are experiences but not definitions of my overall character.

I take the learned experience of taking autonomy, objectivity and emotionality of all these events, understood them, internalised them as I was always myself and never sought projection as a game worth playing. I would never change a thing in my life as it has tempered my spirit, served valued lessons and kept me humble.

Detached Surface Responses

Superficiality it is like being presented a cake and realising beyond the icing there is nothing more than air underneath. I refused to play the ritualistic notion of “being a victim” as yet again it is a detachment from self not a synthesis of of the latter. False identity is just if not more taxing than not knowing who you are at all. Self respect is needed.

Self love is not selfishness, nor is empathy about other always putting your needs first, then a person must treat into the middle in which care for others and yourself should be of equal beauty.

Autism, Personhood & Identity 

With regards to my autism, I personally have never seen it as all of “me”, it is not omnipresent and nor would it make sense for it to be so. I say this not out of shame but out of balance.

So many other aspects of my life being woven into the interlinking quilt of personhood that makes “Paul” let’s at least see people being defined by more than one word.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Be “You” In Your Dreamscapes

Be the the person you are, be the person that is, be the person that is the real you, be the person that is both insignificant but relevant, a failure but a success and be treaded in the infinite pathways of a novice and let go of perceptions of being an worldly expert.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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What Is Friendship?

 

Sometimes what is needed in this tempest most consumed in the worldly minds of others, is to know that someone else of equal candour whom maybe going through the same experiences offers out their gift of listening. To wipe away the tears of depthful melancholy when you feel your body is enveloped in bitter tear drops, to show them yourself at moment when the mirrormind is cracked, to open doors that have been bolted with rust and to give you new feathers so you can fly once more.

As I have been unpicking the system of sensing theory, it has become apparent that mergence of feeling is a beautiful way to connect however one must be thoughtful to each other’s learning process’.

After decades I finally understand the perspective of having a true and meaningful friendship with balance, love and humility, I have all ways sensed this (through bonding) and if there is any a wonderful time to know it. The time is now.

I have learnt something today is that space is as much valuable form of love, care and consideration as being there which is of equal validity.

I apparently have this “skill” of mergence but need to know how to manage, regulate, monitor and use it. I love to help people, empower and to try and be objective which is an important process.

I like people for their raw energy, honesty, humility and empathy and I as people must and try to give them something back.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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My World- Autism, Ethos & Humanity

I am pleased an eagerly proud to be working for a small autism organisation called My World and day centre for people on the autism spectrum. This summer it shall be four years of service to which I have contributed my consultancy work.

With people who have a narrow, conceited and reductive view of what autism “is” and how one is supposed to “act” and “behave” noting that it has “one look” so therefore “one approach and intervention” is wrong and that doesn’t happen here.

At My World all the caring and empathic staff are valued, open-minded and willing to learn this means that what is taken is a person-centred approach, looking at the person’s mental health, learning styles, information processing challenges and ultimately sees them as people or equal worth and value going about their day and purcuits.

Our success is our ethos, open-mind natures, ability to learn new things and approaches and empathy which encourages people in the end to be the best version of themselves.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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Meeting Up With The Kings – Part 2

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I enjoyed very much the time I spent with Kings who show great humility, kindness and gracious affection and homeliness. When I entered their home I was greeted by lovely smiles and warmth that trickled into my soul and made me feel an better person and a more completed being. I such relished the opportunity to glide with them through their family duties with candid humour, streams of meaningful intentions, words dominated and unsuppressed wantings, needing and beings where presented in a warmly household.

Image result for The Kings Autism

Whose sole intentions are to be open and show the utmost loving for mortal people and animals that lightened up many a darkened patch from soddened ground to beautifully fertile and transient piecing the heart of me with curiosity. I would love to visit again. 

Paul Isaacs 2017


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Living With A Mother With No Boundaries -My Father’s Ongoing Journey

I have a lot of respect for my Father who has along with my Mother given my the stability, autonomy to be “myself”.

Nanny Janet Black and White

“Nanny” Janet in Ireland as an Infant

My Father was born in London in 1961 during that time his Mother had fled from Ireland and moved to the capital working in in pubs and living in small one bedroom holding in the old style basement houses. He had a traumatic existence with attachment disordered, borderline mother who had no sense of right nor wrong, instilled pitiful boundaries and was abusive to him from an early age working in pubs late at night and bringing lovers home and would have sex in front of him.

She would have parties also which were not monitored leaving my Dad to the whim of two female paedophiles at the age of three years old. They two women were on the bed asking him to do things to them what an horrific situation to be in.

My Dad was kidnapped by his Father and taken back to his house in which his partner said “don’t expect any fucking special treatment here”, he was recovered and later move to Oxford city were he resided on an council estate.

Nanny Janet Photo 7His Mother continued her existence of money and drink in either order and showed next to no parental love to my Dad from both an emotional stand point and also a sense of stability as he grew this became more apparent, no emotional support, not getting him the correct clothes, changing his surname without prior permission calling him, emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, to other residents in the estate and so forth. She projected martyrdom to the outside world and would say do Dad on more than one occasion “Peter, I done my best”. Clearly this wasn’t true.  His absent Father’s last words time was a phone call in the early 90’s  saying “I didn’t  love you anyway.”  At the very least he was honest.

His Mother re married to a man who clearly had the same ethos as her and made it very clear to Dad that he didn’t like nor wanted him in the house.

Mum and Dad Early 80s

Mum & Dad Early 1980’s

My Dad’s life changed in the when he met my Mother in a club in the 1980’s I think that not only changed his outlook on life but also, it took many years of pain, discomfort and self-awareness for my Dad to become the man he is today, he freely admits he has made many a mistake and has a positive attitude towards life  despite having a horrific upbringing with no love, care or sense of commitment.

Both my parents have giving me the gift of having a stable upbringing in the family home, giving me good foundations of boundaries, friendship, failure as normal and trying I am thankful for that and even more so knowing the history.

Paul Isaacs 2016


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Getting Back Together

Finding my feet on the ground is something that I feel has helped me in the long run, thinking the moment, feeling in the moment, trusting ones self, owning one’s faults, owns own autonomy and of course others, to be selfless. I have been grounded (or grounding in process) for well over a year and feel much better for it and it has giving me fresher my clearer perspectives on many different areas of my life and others.

Paul Isaacs 2016


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Think For A Moment? Could Life Be More Balanced?

What is life? But a matter of objective? subjective? Or maybe something more deeper? I wonder is life really meant to be complex? Or is that the way in which people perceive and react to one another that makes it so? Maybe barriers have blinded our minds to make quick thoughts about islands of people we live amongst? People don’t know people but are obliged to talk about them with deep motives, follow your heart not what you see on news or read in the newspaper.

Humans don’t need to be cynical, edged with tyranny. Yes we too profoundly hold dear idols in both statue and human form who confirm and are to do with such things look back in history, look to the now for is woven the future.

Paul Isaacs 2016