Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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Why Are People Disconnected From Certain Emotional States?

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Culture of Conditioning 

Westernised society has conditioned many people to be enraptured by the such emotional rigidity, as to the falseness of how such perceived “negative emotions” and “positive emotions” are handled with.

“Faux Emotional” Responses & Polarising Negative/Positive Thought Patterns 

Smiles and joy are not painted on and should never be supplied as a shallow coping mechanism for darkly thought-scapes, that means you will never understand the lessons of both true sadness and happiness, they both exist to give each other meaning and clarity.

It you are disconnected from BOTH you will never get the timely validity of either.

I have noted that some of my expressions of sadness and melancholy have confused or even upset, however these emotions just “are” they are neither “good or bad”, “right or wrong” they are a human EMOTION to be explored.

Conclusion

Feel things without the threat of judgement. Or put up cladding that in the end distances you further from yourself and other people.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Autism, Information Processing and Coronavirus

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Note – This is from a personal perspective 

Alexithymia & Emotional Processing 

Not knowing one’s own emotional states means that I struggle to connect my conscious and unconscious mind, incoming information doesn’t filter into a connected thought, feeling and inner response which is marrying up with my inner states.

Visual Perceptual Disorders, Aphantasia & Mentalising 

Aphantasia is a condition where one does not possess a functioning mind’s eye and cannot voluntarily visualize imagery.[1] The phenomenon was first described by Francis Galton in 1880[2] but has since remained largely unstudied. Interest in the phenomenon renewed after the publication of a study in 2015 conducted by a team led by Professor Adam Zeman of the University of Exeter,[3] which also coined the term aphantasia.[4] Research on the condition is still scarce.[5][6]

Visual learning is the most common form of accessing the information around you, I cannot  retrieve visual information and I do not have a “visual mind’s eye” this is called aphantasia. The aspects that I struggle with are visual fragmentation and simultagnosia (object blindness) and a residual level of semantic agnosia (meaning blindness). So watching the news and making visual-verbal connections takes time for me to access and apply meaning with my system which is largely kinesthetic in nature.

Tactile – Associative Synesthesia & Building Frameworks

There are many different types of synesthesia, but they may be categorized as falling into one of two groups: associative synesthesia and projective synesthesia. An associate feels a connection between a stimulus and a sense, while a projector actually sees, hears, feels, smells, or tastes a stimulation. For example, an associator might hear a violin and strongly associate it with the color blue, while a projector might hear a violin and see the color blue projected in space as if it were a physical object.

The way in which I build up frameworks is always on an emotive level I am unaware of my feelings from moment to moment, so I have to EXTERNALISE unconsciously in to text which can be creative in content, emotive and introspective and/or art work which can be abstract an metaphorical in representation. I am not a literal, logical processor of information and I do not have social emotional agnosia  that comes from disconnection of right hemisphere. So INTERNALISATION  comes from the marriage creative process as opposed to overtly factual and linear ones.

Aphasia & Language Processing 

Currently I am around 30 percent meaning deaf which means I can take in large amounts of information for a a short period of time, however I may begin to be flooded with a vast a array of language in which my mind cannot keep up with, it becomes distorted and slowly meaningless, so managing my time and input is crucial.

Conclusion

It is best for people to understand their own autism “fruit salad” and what works for them during times of great uncertainty and distress, build up a level of self-awareness or have someone around you that healthily acknowledges your challenges but still retains the autonomy and respect of seeing you as person.

Paul Isaacs 2020

 


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Be “You” In Your Dreamscapes

Be the the person you are, be the person that is, be the person that is the real you, be the person that is both insignificant but relevant, a failure but a success and be treaded in the infinite pathways of a novice and let go of perceptions of being an worldly expert.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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The System of Sensing, Inverted Trauma & Dissonance

The System of Sensing

Is a world a still live in its world before ego, before conscious mind, before self and other, before interpretation of your sensory world it is where things are FELT, first it is a world of pattern, theme and feel, it is ethereal, not quite tangible in a logical and literal sense but very much about togetherness and the mergence.

FEEL speak is experienced by all human beings its called being baby in which your nervous system is underdeveloped, its sensory systems are young and interpretation of these senses isn’t there.

For me being profoundly meaning blind and meaning deaf meant that I lived this system (and continue to do so) for a far longer time, this mean I could merge with things, people and places.

Sensing Emotions, Trauma & Dissonance

If some one was to MERGE with someone on a sensing level that is picking up on frequencies that the other person may not be aware of this can mean I can get confused about “self emotions” and “other emotions”, I have unknown awareness of someone because I can SEE them in all their rawness it is beyond cladding, false projection, lying an manipulation.

I can FEEL peoples energies and I can put them into two camps.

Connected With The Sensing World

“Straight & Grounded” these people’s feel speak is well connected, they are natural empaths (who may also be able to sense), their interpretive “speak” marries up with their “feel” speak, I sense fluidity and balance and my communication does in general flow much better because their isn’t dissonance. I tend not to overly apologise to these people, can be assertive and not be triggered by exposure anxiety.

Disconnected With The Sensing World (to differing degrees and reasons)

“Wobbley & Uprooted” these people’s feel speak is not as well connected, they may be extremely empathetic but disconnected from their emotions in some shape or form (information processing, trauma, personality disorder and/or identity crisis) or they they have empathy erosion, they may well have learned to overly rely on the “interpretive system” to hide from themselves due to trauma and/or be deceptive and overly use this “interpretive” system for personal gain.

So these people do two things with the empathics I MERGE with their trauma to the point in which it is MINE on a sensing level and/or if they have empathy erosion they trigger my exposure anxiety and “self” gets protected.

My communication style for both the empathic and non-empathic people in this camp is stilted, laboured, I tend to apologise more and there is less fluidity because the cladding usually contradicts the feeling. I usually “go along” with interpretive thread regardless of if I want to or not. I on some level feel great empathy for them many of them are on journeys in their own right and I have since learned that MERGEING can in turn cause PROJECTION in which I sense the dissonance feedback BACK to the person. This is what I call the mirror effect. (for obvious reasons). If they consciously interpret this they may think that is MY Trauma.  

This causes me great stress and pain and I can get emotional dysregulation.

Dissonance In People Who’s Perceived and Actual Self are Warped

I tend to “sense” people who lie, manipulate and who are superficial because that is based on the ability to use you interpretive system to “pretend” you are something you aren’t, these people can be lost, lonely, friendly, confused, lack a firm sense of self and on the other hand they can be narcissistic, selfish, ego-focused and shallow.

I have a real personal peeve with people whom lie (as a form of control, emotional manipulation). Because I can see it.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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Autism, Alexithymia, Dissociative Disorders & Trauma

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Note – This is from a personal perspective

Overview

In secondary school their was an isolated incident of sexual abuse which I was subjected to, this happened in the changing rooms and I have documented about how I had to get closure on this incident myself.

Alexithymia and dissociative reactions are two strategies that have been put forward as coping mechanisms to alleviate painful emotions. Adult studies reveal an association between alexithymia and dissociation. In line with the coping hypothesis, it was predicted that the relationship between alexithymia and dissociative tendencies would be partly mediated by current levels of stress and past traumatic experiences. Dissociation may also be related to enhanced fantasizing, although alexithymia has traditionally been associated with an incapacity to fantasize

Jennifer G. Schnellmann PhD, ELS 2005

Alexithymia has a common overlap with some people on the autism spectrum, in which the person has problems identifying, wording and extracting inner emotional states, having a language processing disorder no doubt hindered my ability to express (word finding and word losing), visual agnosias of varying kinds and degrees which hindered my to get gestalt perception and mentalise and thus extract the information and process it accordingly.

But imagine that as an autie you get tolerated in a mainstream school of bullying, exclusion etc…. so you try your butt off to pass as ‘non autistic’ or at least mirror others…. but on your own out comes your autie self… and over YEARS the ‘acting normal’ self becomes an ‘alter’ and has its own abilities, its preferences, its dislikes, the things its invested in, the things its disinterested in (like all the ‘autistic’ stuff… because it would attract more bullying, exclusion, etc)….

Donna Williams 2012

Dissociation Disorder & Repressed Memories

Coming to terms with my dissociation is to understand where it came from so here is the a list of events that interacted and caused dissociation and dissociative personas which then in tern effect the association of the “core self” which then in turn had an impact on my psychological and emotional development.

  • I was traumatised by children and teachers using functional speech and language at primary school because I could not keep up with it on an interpretive level (this wasn’t done on purpose nor was this anyone’s fault or intention).
  • I was put into adult situations at primary school with no advocate or caregiver present (teachers arranging meetings about “negative” behaviour prior and after functional speech so dissociation, personas and exposure anxiety were triggered).
  • Having body and pain agnosias meant without clothes on and/or pressure points meant I could detach and dissociate quicker.
  • Having prosopagnosia secondary to simultagnosia meant I bonded with the “person in the mirror” in toilets and washrooms.
  • Secondary school involved the use of three personas all with splintering personality types, learning and communication styles and “tasks” both motivational and/or otherwise to “protect” on a subconscious level the “core self”.
  • Only became self aware of being “different” at 16 and later was using word “autism/autistic” at 18, however lacked a self-awareness of my challenges to others and didn’t consciously change and/or suffer from avoidant and/or social anxiety/phobia.
  • PTSD in adulthood and repressed memories of sexual abuse came in later adulthood through nightmares and flashbacks in a distorted and fragmented fashion due to visual perceptual and language processing disorders.
  • Outlets for Alexithymia and emotional regulation came up more prominently in adulthood through art, poetry and creative writing and aided my ability to mentalise.
  • Being Mercurial and Idiosyncratic meant I could create novel, inventive and “odd” ways of distancing myself from emotional difficulties and pain.
  • Being in the “system of sensing” for far longer and still retaining aspects of it meant I valued the world and would sense the energies around me beyond their set interpretive “meaning”.

Accepting What “Brought me to the Dance”

I have no doubt that I have been coloured by my experiences, they mold people, influence, guide them, help them and sadly sometimes destroy them.

I have come to realise the value in experiences regardless of these being positive or negative I still learn from them.

They’re my teachers my reflectors and I refuse to live a half life in which my destiny is to be defined by things that were out of my control and contextual to the knowledge (or lack of) at the time.

Paul Isaacs 2020


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A Tall Tail Of Somotisation Disorder

The Beginning

I started getting symptoms of this in late infancy around 11 years old this was related to mitigating factors both to do with neurological processing such as aphasia, alexithymia and visual agnosias, environmental factors bullying and emotional triggering.

Psycho-Somatic Trauma Based Response to Negative Environment Experiences?

I would get sensations of my body “melting”, headaches, stomachaches, tingling in limbs, face and lips and by the time secondary school came and chronic bullying persisted in the first two weeks the pain would start again as stated above.

In particular, the pattern of shrinking was observed in two parts of the brain called the putamen and the caudate, a change oddly reminiscent of adults who have experienced early life stress, such as childhood maltreatment.

These sensations would cause me to have intestinal discomfort ranging from chronic constipation to nausea.

I would go to the school reception during lunch break sometimes on a almost daily basis saying either about a stomachache and/or headache. I would sit in floods of tears wanting to go home this went on for approximately 18 months as my nervous system was also being pushed as panic attacks usually followed before and/or after an episode of pain.

This meant that obsessive-compulsive disorder manifested in persistent hand-washing, counting, checking and reassurance around illness and disease began which last from the ages of 12 to 15.

Psychological Pain Presenting as Physical Pain?

What is Somatic Symptom Disorder

People with somatic symptom disorder experience real physical symptoms — they are not imagined. These symptoms can vary in intensity from mild to severe and often include breathlessness, exhaustion, or weakness, though pain is the most commonly reported symptom. Doctors may be unable to pinpoint a medical reason, or there may be a clear and diagnosable medical cause. However, people with somatic symptom disorder are likely to experience the symptoms of their illness more severely than is common.

 

Fast forward to this year and very recently I woke up in tremendous pain it started with an “itching” sensation in my lower arms and legs, then they felt like they were on fire, I got up and moved my legs persistently for 40 mins trying to “release” the sensation

I went to the GP this week who confirmed somatisation disorder secondary to an anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression and hypercondriasis which makes sense.

Pain would be triggered by talking about illness in any context,so for example people on the bus sat behind me and in the GP waiting room for example the described pain would migrate and move from my lower back, to my upper back from upper limbs to my lower limbs my body would begin to shake and adrenaline fired through my body, my stomach muscles would cramp up and it would gurgle.

I went for a walk two nights ago and my feet went “numb” this caused great distress and panic as I walked home however bursting into tears was a great release for me.

Conclusion

Now most of pain has subsided but what does psycho-somatic pain represent? For me I feel it is unprocessed emotions, recent environmental distress and need for my body and brain to calm down.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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When The Clouds Move In

In the universe of the social media what does one put when someone is so low and depressed? Is it a false currency to type your feelings? Is it not correct to extract your thoughts onto a wider medium? Is it merely seen as a chance to get some sort of gratification or social supply from the amount of reactions and comments that come under your status?

I am depressed at the moment and the depression doesn’t seem to give me time to get grounded, its saps my energy, tailors my perceptions, distorts my mood and thought processes yet I still come out with a smile, a false sense of connecting, being in a room full of people and the walls come crashing in as the bleaked aloneness comes towards your words become ash, people become shadows and you wish to run away from the vessel you live in from day to day.

I have never since my teens felt such a state of melancholy, despair or detachment from the world around, pessimism rises from its tomb, nihilism jabs at my mind and hopelessness dominates as I plunder into the void once again. Maybe if I spoke up more about such feelings I would be privy to a listening ear? Maybe if I shed more tears I would get a sense of comfort from a friend? I know not what the future holds none of us do but at this moment in time the darkness follows me everywhere the omnipresence suffocates my soul and creativity.

Maybe all I want is for someone to see me as a human being, not a catalogue of facts about autism, maybe I would like someone to recognise my challenges and difficulties as I am made to understand theirs? Maybe I just want my perspective to acknowledged and validated regardless of it being right or wrong.

I do not like living a “half-life” between the void and the false pretence of happiness in my current state. If people think I am seeking a hollow sense of attention so be it but writing for me does extract the cusp of the matters, so I say to you if you feel down, low, depressed or otherwise please tell someone it may not sort out the root of the problem but it could be the start of doing so.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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Autism – Communication Beyond Speech? Sensing A System Before Interpretation With Sharon King

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Sharon King Speech is only the tip of the iceberg. There are many more ways to communicate

Paul Isaacs I have had many a good conversation about Sharon with regards to the “system” of “sensing” a world before “you”, “I”, “self”, “ego” etc. All human beings go through this developmental phase some people on the autism spectrum stay (to varying and differing degrees) in this framework. A world before cladding and concepts that build on to some degree intellectual understanding vs. introspection. If someone is still in this system they may well pick up on things/situations/emotions that are raw, they may see other functions for things rather than its “interpretive use”. 🙂

Paul Isaacs For example I would use the toilet an its flush system as a “toy” a place to contextualise, a place to feel and get “sensory/chemical highs”, I used shaving foam, litres of bubble bath to create patterns on the tiled surfaces for hours and hours, would/do take in the smells of nature around, its textures, its feeling. I have learnt that some people want to know how you are feeling this moment, at this time and in which order that doesn’t make their system wrong as it is system they are using just as much I am using mine so I think there are more degrees of humanity between people who are on and off the autism spectrum than people actually think. Boxes only muddy the issue. I also think there are many people off the spectrum who live in this system of sensing as well.

My World = One’s Own World. This is our first world. Before all of its later cladding and contortions, it is at first a place of sensing, beingness, the preconscious mind and unknown knowing. It is the place where we understand self in others and others in self through the skill of mergence.

The External World = The physical world known through our sensory experiences as processed through our bodies/brains and experienced as sensations, thoughts, emotions, connections. This is a directly hands on world where sensing and beingness may be relatively strongly intact.

The Interpretive World = the world of applied meaning to incoming experiences that progressively builds mental structures and frameworks that ultimately filter our direct sensed experiences of the physical world and develops conscious mind as the primary guide.

Ego World = Ego contortion that further clads, alters and filters the logical meaning we get from experiences of the physical world and further buries our original capacity for sensing and beingness. This can be indoctrination, culture, economics, identifications, rewards, honed addictions and competition for social, economic, cultural ‘currency’.

Donna Williams

Sharon King Sometimes I wonder if feelings are more real than the external reality as they are our first point of contact being ‘within’ and everything else is ‘without’ to be filtered through our senses.

Paul Isaacs I FEEL before I interpret so its almost like a translation with knowing on a conscious level translating. The main difference I see between auties and aspies is the the system of sensing (to some degree) is far more “there” this also is taking into account the information processing blockages that come with that.

For example my Father is very much OPPOSITE he build up frameworks first, concepts first and then feeling and reflections come second. Its in the end a differing system of understanding information around you.

Paul Isaacs 2018


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The Problem with Somatisation Disorder

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Note this is from a personal perspective

Certain personality types (such as mercurial/borderline) are more akin to having somatisation type disorders in which person feels they are becoming increasingly ill and/or have serious and multiple symptoms that indicated a serious illness and/disease.

“The main features are multiple, recurrent and frequently changing physical symptoms of at least two years duration. Most patients have a long and complicated history of contact with both primary and specialist medical care services, during which many negative investigations or fruitless exploratory operations may have been carried out. Symptoms may be referred to any part or system of the body. The course of the disorder is chronic and fluctuating, and is often associated with disruption of social, interpersonal, and family behaviour.”

Awareness of Emotional States and Somatic Pain

The persistence is the pain and the feeling that invokes, having alexithymia means that I have problems identifying what my inner states are leading to often painful and chronic psychosomatic symptoms which in my life time have included as follows

  • Nausea
  • Tension Headaches
  • Toothaches
  • Jaw aches
  • Lower back Pain
  • Arm and Shoulder Pain
  • Pins and Needles in Legs and Feet

The recent bout is having a pulsating tinnitus in my left ear which is anxiety/stress related and is not due cardiovascular disorder and or stroke related symptoms but never the less is persistent at the moment. Age and awareness in my case have helped with these areas of anxiety and “getting on with it” as means to move on and look towards the psychological/developmental aspects they have on me in terms and working from there.

Paul Isaacs 2018

 


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Autism, Shy Bladder Syndrome and Body Agnosias

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Parcopresis, also termed psychogenic fecal retention, is the inability to defecate without a certain level of privacy. The level of privacy involved varies from sufferer to sufferer. The condition has also been termed shy bowel. This is to be distinguished from the embarrassment that many people experience with defecation in that it produces a physical inability, albeit of psychological origin.

 

Environmental Origins and Processing Event

When I was eight years old and was going to the toilet at primary school in came two students were playing out side the toilets and preceded to kick the door in unison until it forced opened they looked upon me a laughed it took me a long to the process the event due to visual perceptual and language processing disorders.

Reactionary PTSD

This has has a dramatic impact albeit subconsciously on going to the toilet in public forums I cannot defecate until I am in places of familiarity leaving a level of bodily tension.

Body Disconnection & Delayed Perception/Processing

Visual analysis of faces and nonfacial body stimuli brings about neural activity in different cortical areas. Moreover, processing body form and body action relies on distinct neural substrates. Although brain lesion studies show specific face processing deficits, neuropsychological evidence for defective recognition of nonfacial body parts is lacking. By combining psychophysics studies with lesion-mapping techniques, we found that lesions of ventromedial, occipitotemporal areas induce face and body recognition deficits while lesions involving extrastriate body area seem causatively associated with impaired recognition of body but not of face and object stimuli. We also found that body form and body action recognition deficits can be double dissociated and are causatively associated with lesions to extrastriate body area and ventral premotor cortex, respectively. Our study reports two category-specific visual deficits, called body form and body action agnosia, and highlights their neural underpinnings.

Dipartimento di Psicologia e Antropologia Culturale, Università di Verona, Verona, Ital

I have had a level of body agnosia and pain agnosia in my life which have caused, social emotional disconnect, alexithymia, language processing disorder and so forth. This can also cause problems with understanding and perceiving “pain”, “discomfort” and my case “being full”. Staying over a friends house made me realise the problems that still resonate eating food and then forcing your bowels not to move then caused an unfamiliar “sensation” which I was able to then realise was “nausea” in the pub.

The second the delayed response was in the home when my body moving without understanding why or where climbing up the stairs I projected vomit but had no understanding of what, why or how. A wave of exposure anxiety came over me I had to stop myself from self-harming wanting to hit my head and arms. I said sorry repeatedly for the mess which was made however they were very understanding and caring.

Conclusion

I luckily have a sense of humour and hold these things with a level of comedic reality and I was lucky to have like minded people in my company. 😉

Paul Isaacs 2017