Paul Isaacs' Blog

Autism from the inside


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When The Clouds Move In

In the universe of the social media what does one put when someone is so low and depressed? Is it a false currency to type your feelings? Is it not correct to extract your thoughts onto a wider medium? Is it merely seen as a chance to get some sort of gratification or social supply from the amount of reactions and comments that come under your status?

I am depressed at the moment and the depression doesn’t seem to give me time to get grounded, its saps my energy, tailors my perceptions, distorts my mood and thought processes yet I still come out with a smile, a false sense of connecting, being in a room full of people and the walls come crashing in as the bleaked aloneness comes towards your words become ash, people become shadows and you wish to run away from the vessel you live in from day to day.

I have never since my teens felt such a state of melancholy, despair or detachment from the world around, pessimism rises from its tomb, nihilism jabs at my mind and hopelessness dominates as I plunder into the void once again. Maybe if I spoke up more about such feelings I would be privy to a listening ear? Maybe if I shed more tears I would get a sense of comfort from a friend? I know not what the future holds none of us do but at this moment in time the darkness follows me everywhere the omnipresence suffocates my soul and creativity.

Maybe all I want is for someone to see me as a human being, not a catalogue of facts about autism, maybe I would like someone to recognise my challenges and difficulties as I am made to understand theirs? Maybe I just want my perspective to acknowledged and validated regardless of it being right or wrong.

I do not like living a “half-life” between the void and the false pretence of happiness in my current state. If people think I am seeking a hollow sense of attention so be it but writing for me does extract the cusp of the matters, so I say to you if you feel down, low, depressed or otherwise please tell someone it may not sort out the root of the problem but it could be the start of doing so.

Paul Isaacs 2019


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Family Members, Emotional Fallout’s & Positive Strategies For The Future

Mum and Dad 2005“I live with the fallout of people’s actions and cruel words towards Paul, and I suffer as much as Paul because of their insensitivity. All Paul wants to do is help others, but I find when he needs help professionals don’t want to know. I feel so upset.”

I feel that as a family we are close, we always have been my Father and Mother as I have documented in this blog, my books and speeches have been empowering to both my development and confidence over years They never over-protected me, molly coddled me or babied me they gave me rules, contexts and tools for life. Hence why my first job was 15 years they knew I would only learn from practice not just theory.

Mum & Dad Bournmouth 2000sMy Mum’s worries as a family member come from two angles firstly the problem with over-projecting one’s point (to the point of emotional insensitivity) not acknowledging the fallout of a person’s words creating a ripple effect and second is the promises that my Mum was given many years ago haven’t been fulfilled – however as a family unit we talk and think of strategies to move forward and carry one within a positive framework not matter what negativity comes our way.

Paul Isaacs  2014