Act For Autism – Autism & Transition To Adulthood Event this morning I was talking about my “Living Through The Haze” and life on the autism spectrum from a personal perspective.
Birthing Complications & Trajectory
Covering the early aspects of birth, placental abruption and prematurity – with an association with language processing and visual perception.
Agnosias, Aphasia, Context & Connection
Being a meaning deaf, meaning blind & object blind child whom lived and communicated by pattern, theme and feel, externalising – sniffing, licking, tapping, rubbing and to internalise and how that impacts language association.
Being so faceblind that I didn’t recognise my own face in washrooms and mirrors until mid-teens (thinking it was a girl).
Once functional speech came it was that of a three year old (expressively) and exposure anxiety made the directly confrontational world difficult to navigate.
Being pain dead and body disconnection and not reacting to physical trauma.
Autism, Mental Health & Personality – How That Impacts on Self
Secondary conditions such as mood disorders, OCD & dissociation came while in infancy and more complex conditions such as schizotypal, borderline personality disorders, psychosis and auditory hallucinations came in the guise of a nervous breakdown in 2007/08.
I was diagnosed with autism in 2010 and visual perceptual disorders in 2012.
But I still “buzz”at lights, twinkles, colours, shimmer and shine, sounds and words.
The ups, downs and in-betweens of education, employment, autism as a fruit salad, autism, asperger’s & “aspiauts” profiles.
The Human Factor Of Complexity
We (as human persons) are all walking fruit salads, patchwork quilts, raw ingredients yet to be cooked etc. I know my story is my own (I am not representing all) and that is fine.
Overview of Speech & Reflective Points
– Living with significant information processing challenges.
– Agnosias (body, face, object, auditory and semantic and this impacted perception/learning & attachment)
– Alexithymia (not perceiving self social/emotional feedback)
– Oral Apraxia (and words not being able to escape)
– Aphasia (language processing and phonics being distorted)
– Not getting a shared sense of social until my late twenties
– Living Half and World (hemiplegia).
– Living in a world were interpretive language was not “king” and “feel speak” was/is.
– Exposure Anxiety that in its extremes denies selfhood.
– Not being logical and literal in navigating the external world (akin to a mind full of confetti)
– Personality Disorders that make one feel “mad”
– Seeing that being human is more significant than anything else no more and no less
For All These Pieces What Then?
“Paul” is made up of many things from my upbringing, my landscaped enviroment and people I have met. I stay steadfast in the middle not wanting to indulge, over-invest in such artifices of identity because people as humans are made up of so much more then one word, one label and one describer.
I value the depth nature of human connection beyond the notions of separate invisible lines drawn amongst the invisible sand of othering. For bigotry and denial of shared humaness is still a saddened treading of human mindscapes. I am simply a person who didn’t ask to born (as we all are) so I must take what I have use it with yearning for a fantasy of what “life could be like”.
“Autism” just is “is” it doesn’t define a person in totality and to the path of weathered extremes is like being in the eye of the storm you observe the chaos within the peace – we are (as human beings not a group) made up of multiple ingredients and the same for autism, no one profile is the same, no one experience is the same.
You Cannot Save Anyone – Selfhood Comes From Within
Giving yourself but having steadfast notable autonomy of self cared nuances uplift the soul from the caged stones of uncertainty to the angel whom may fear his wings to be severed a half life deserted.
An eternal garden of one’s own can be tended with up most clarity ladened meanderings of the brain cages experiences of the outer flesh world. Our pastures memories plucked and resown eternal.
You cannot save anybody in this world from the internal torments of their baron life pastures full of bloodied thorns, grating sole that burns the mind soul with every movement. You offer helped hands and give them alone the chance to create their own life seedlings a chance to saunter in new foundational nutrients
One must be able to tend to their mind sphere and understand that giving guidance doesn’t mean plucked ears will clad into the pollen so earnest, tempered responsibility means your selfhood as on going footings most balanced to another.
If people have a baron mindset a tear may be shed for their lives pained thorn throne which their body has been punctured for a lifetime of hardships, however the ploddings are meeting are but an husk for the internal bile that ferments.
To come to internal peace one must look inside out and lurk amount the multiple embryos of sadness, embrace them, be kindly and let them settle as the venom sloshes out and you are reborn through the thronged mossy motherhood.
Paul Isaacs 2022